Birds and the Bees

This question was taken from Dear Abby (Ms. Philips if your nasty).

I am the mother of two children ages 7 and 4. In a recent child development class, there was a discussion about sex education for small children. My professor mentioned that if children aren't asking questions about sex, we should initiate talks with our children. She also said that children should have the sex talk by 8 years old. Is this correct?

I can't imagine talking to my children about sex at such an early age. What's the best age to have the sex talk, and is there a limit on how much we should talk about? -- SYLVIA IN SAN DIEGO

Sylvia:

I remember the first time I learned about sex. I was in the second grade which put me between 7 and 8 at the time. I didn’t learn about the actual sex act from my parents but from a schoolmate. Her name was Tammy and her words still hold a certain infamy in my head. “You take the hotdog” she said while holding up her index finger “and add it to the bun” she finished by sticking her finger into the universal ok sign. It seemed so sage at the time. My parent’s explanation: “daddy’s sperm cell and mommy’s egg cell meet” was enough to shut me up when I asked about how my little brother came to be; yet, left me with no details. I don’t remember asking anything else although knowing my mother it was probably pretty apparent she was uncomfortable with the subject.

The thing to ask yourself is what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your kid to come to you and tell you everything? Keep in mind this can be a double edge sword, and I am betting not many parents really want to hear everything. If your kids go to school rather than being home schooled I’m guessing they will learn about sex from one of their school friends by age 8 at the latest. My guess is the age has dropped since the internet was invented. Now a 7 year old is tech savvy enough to google sex. While that doesn’t have the poetry of the hot dog explanation it would include pictures.

When children are that young any real details will just gross them out, and they can’t be expected to understand the emotional side of it. Personally, I would tell the 4 year old “when a man and woman have sex they make a baby”. Sex is a word I am sure they have heard before and your 4 year old may already know this. I would tell the 7 year old “sex is the act of inserting the penis into the vagina”. Around 11 or 12 is when I would start the more complicated talks on birth control. The idea is to talk to the child before they hear it elsewhere so the parent has the first crack at influence. Of course if sex is that uncomfortable for you to talk about with your children, they will figure it out on their own.

The question becomes how much to you want to know? If you want you kid to be able to talk to you about going to second base when they are 14, by all means draw diagrams, invite guest speakers, talk about all there is to talk about by age 10. If you want your kid to never, ever, ever talk about sex even when they are 30 and married don’t talk to them about at all. If you want somewhere in between, aim your conversations likewise.