Sex Education Internet Style

I took this question from "The Advice Goddess" since all the internet people who read my site don't seem to have any problems to email me.

Five months ago, I slept with a woman I dated for a few weeks. She said she was on the pill, so I didn't use a condom. Last week, out of the blue, she called and told me she's pregnant and is having the baby. When I asked how it could be mine, she said she lied about being on the pill because she's 36 and desperately wanted a child. I suspect she doesn't know who the father is, but hopes I'll be a good guy and "do the right thing." I'm not trying to shirk responsibility (I'm a committed father to a 4-year-old daughter I had with my ex-wife), but I caught this woman in several lies while dating her, so I can't help worrying I'm being played. What should I do?

--Parent Apparent

There are two kinds of denial. One kind is when you want something to not be true even though all the evidence is there. In the other you want something to be true so bad that you believe it without evidence. Be aware both had a hand in getting you where you are now.

You didn’t want to wear a condom. You took the word of someone that you didn’t know very well that she was on birth control, also assuming of course that she didn’t have any little nasties to pass along. You wanted to go without a condom so bad that you took the word of an acquaintance. I think married life spoiled you in that respect. That would be the second kind of denial. Now in the aftermath you are fighting the first kind of denial. You want to believe this baby isn’t yours. Your thinking to yourself “she lied about being on birth control so she must be lying about me being the father as well”.

This woman very well could have been having sex with other men and giving them the same story. You don’t seem to be worried about STDs though, just paternity. Research has shown HIV is asymptomatic until you develop AIDS which could take years, Chlamydia is asymptomatic in 50-75% (sources of the exact percentage vary) of women and 25-50% of men. For gonorrhea, my sources say women’s symptoms are often mild or nonexistent and males may also be asymptomatic. This quick sex-education lesson is courtesy of about 15 minutes worth of internet time. I even got percentages people! In my opinion schools are shirking their responsibility in sex education but anyone who can get a library card can get online, so I suggest everyone who is or will soon be sexually active (and oral and anal DO count as sex when it comes to most STDs) should spend a few minutes online researching. Don’t wait for it to burn when you pee.

That woman did a horrible thing by lying to you about contraception. I don’t want to downplay that; however, you were stupid to trust someone you barely knew about these things when you are aware of the repercussions. Don’t give me any of that “but I’m a guy when pussy is in front of us we can’t think” nonsense. I think being aroused lowers inhibitions for men and women but it does not go to an extent that you lose all common sense. If that were the case women would never wear bikinis, and normally heterosexual men would have sex with each other in porn shops.

All of that is water under the bridge now. At the risk of sounding like a parent I hope you have learned your lesson. You should, in this exact order go to the doctor and get tested for STDs, get a lawyer and then get a paternity test. The paternity test can’t safely be performed on expectant mothers (it could be too tramatic for the baby) so you will have a bit of a wait. I suggest you use the time to mentally prepare yourself to be the father, it is very possible. I wouldn't wish dealing with such a manipulative woman on anyone. Good luck.