If Demi Can Do It....

I took this question from Dear Margo.

DEAR MARGO: My aunt "Sharon" is 40 years old and dating a guy who is 24. She has been seeing him for less than a year, and he has just asked her to marry him. She actually said yes. We all thought it was a joke until she showed us the ring. (She has three children, the oldest 21.) We all think she is insane. My grandmother (her mother) told her to give the ring back and not to accept, because he is young enough to be her child. When she realized that everyone was against her decision, she adopted the attitude that it is "her life and she'll do as she pleases."

This may be true, but he has nothing going for him: no job, lives with his grandmother. (He got kicked out of his mother's house because he didn't want to help pay any bills.)

She wants to be married so bad that when the opportunity finally presented itself, she jumped at it. She has a book that she writes in, saying what her dream wedding will be, what colors, what type of cake, etc. You get the drift.

She is naive about the person who got down on one knee. We all know what is going on in her relationship, and she doesn't. How do we get her to see what we see?

--- NIECE WHO NEEDS HELP IN FLORIDA

Dear Niece,

Let’s say for the sake of argument that you had a 40 year old uncle. Said uncle fell for a 24 year old woman, who lived with her grandmother, because she had no job, and no desire to pay rent. Would anyone in your family give a shit if they got married?

Sure there might be a snide remark or two at family gatherings, with the women chiding her and the men envying him. But, nobody would think him insane. Your attitude is a bit sexist. If Bruce Willis can deal with Ashton, surely you can deal with your aunt’s fiancé.

In short you owe your aunt an apology and probably a bachlorette party. If you are genuine in wishing her happiness with her fiancé then you can suggest a prenuptial agreement as she will have the most to lose financially should it not work out.

To Hookup or Not Hookup

This came from ask the advice goddess.

The other night, I really hit it off with a woman I met in a bar. Even though her friend had taken me aside and told me I could get this woman to go home with me, at the end of the evening, I only asked her for her number. When she hesitated in giving it to me, I gave her my e-mail address. I still haven’t heard from her. My guy friend chided me that I missed an opportunity to “get some.” The thing is, I am not looking to just “get some.” What I want most is a lasting, stable, sexual relationship with a woman with whom I can share this fleetingly beautiful existence. Did I do the right thing, or should I give up on my foolish notions of finding that special someone and just go for the “hookup”?

--A Gentleman

Dear Gentleman,

The thing is, the woman wasn’t looking for someone to “share this fleetingly beautiful existence” (STFBE), she was looking to “get some” (GS). Her friend knew and encouraged her quest to GS and gave you a not so subtle hint. The friend later called a girl bathroom trip (now you know why girls do that) and shared that she gave you the not so subtle hint. Then all she gets is an email address; no game of sticky fingers, no over the sweater action, not even a phone number. She took it as a rejection, because when someone offers sex, and gets the same treatment you would give to moveon.org, it is a rejection. As a straight woman she isn’t used to anonymous sex rejection, so it probably carried a little extra sting.

I can’t say if rejecting her was the right thing to do. It’s possible that the woman had a boyfriend who cheated on her and she was looking for a revenge fuck. Perhaps, she had crabs, or was really a man. Maybe she just wanted meaningless sex, for the sake of having meaningless sex. You’ll never know.

It sounds like you are putting women in two different categories; those to GS with and those to STFBE with. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, most people don’t know if someone is STFBE material until they GS. I know many couples now in STFBE type relationships that started out by GS.

GS isn’t the only way to start a STFBE relationship. The way STFBE relationships start are about as varied as the STFBE relationships themselves. It’s a topsy turvy world. In short don’t hate the player, hate the game.

He's Just A Good Looking Rebel Who Lives By His Own Rules

This tripe came from Dear Margo

DEAR MARGO: When my daughter was 14 she met a boy who, by his own admission, belonged to a gang and had committed several crimes. She became totally enamored of him and "fell in love." I believed she was too young to have a boyfriend and forbade her to see him outside of school, where I had no control.

She is now 16, and we have moved 900 miles away. She calls him every night at 9:01 without fail. A few nights ago, she finally went to a school function. (She had been refusing to participate, saying she was not comfortable and didn't have any friends.) The event did not end until 9:30. As soon as she got out, she immediately tried to call him. He refused to answer the phone.

When she finally got ahold of him, he told her he was through with her because she was cheating on him, didn't really love him, etc. He breaks up with her over the phone or e-mail at least once a month. She cries and calls him constantly, begging him to take her back. No matter where we are or what we are doing, she leaves to call him at exactly 9:01.

We have tried counseling, but she lies, so that has not helped. She has goals for her future, such as college. I asked how this gangster fit into her plans, and she acted like she didn't understand the conflict. I told her that her attraction to "wounded birds" will only end in misery.

My daughter admits she just isn't attracted to "good guys" because they don't need her like the hurt ones do. I'm at my wits' end. I don't want her to run away to be with this jerk, but I don't want her to hate me, either. Do you have any advice for me? --- MOM

Dear Mom,

For christ’s sake he is 900 miles away! Do you really think two teenagers are going to have the attention span to pull off a long distance relationship?

The whole “wounded bird” thing, I think that is you projecting. Perhaps you like the wounded bird type (I think more devotee when I think of someone crushing on the wounded bird). I think this “gangster” is what the kids call a bad boy. Pardon me for saying so but you seem a bit suburban yourself. My guess is the “gang” this boy was in probably doubled as the year book committee.

Even if he was Fifty-cent posing as a teenager, from that distance he poses about as much threat as a boy bander (the one with the goatee is the “bad boy”). My advice for you is to lighten up. If she is going through a thing with liking “bad boys” it’s best she like them from afar, when she is a teenager, rather than having a pen pal relationship with a serial killer when she is 30.

I realize the phone calls at precisely 9:01 worry you. I suggest you give it a little time. It is hard to adjust to new surroundings at that age, the phone calls make her feel like someone is eager to hear from her. It will take her at least a year or so to build up a solid friend base. Until she does the calls are a kind of security blanket for her. It’s mean of you to try to take them away.

Sister's Sloppy Seconds

This one came from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I had an affair with a woman I met at a local benefit. I'll call her "Desiree." As luck would have it, a few years later, Desiree would become my sister-in-law.

My wife has always been jealous of her "more attractive" sister. She reminds me of that fact every time we visit. Now Desiree is having money problems, and she's threatening to tell my wife about our "history" if I don't accommodate her needs.

My marriage is already on thin ice because I ran over my wife's dog and forgot our anniversary in the same week. What should I do? -- BLACKMAILED IN BURBANK

Dear Blackmailed,

You ran over your wife’s dog and forgot your anniversary in the same week? Suffice it to say you owe your wife something special even without having banged her sister.

Don’t cave to the blackmail. If you do, it will never end. Soon enough “Desiree” will be threatening to tell if you don’t get her a fresh glass of iced tea. Eventually the truth will come out anyway, so it would be best to make it on your terms.

When you tell you wife, do it in a way that makes her come off as the good one, and her sister as the skanky one. Play it like things with Desiree ended rather quickly, for obvious reasons (no need to insert reasons try to be big about it) and you didn’t see how that should ruin the connection you felt with your wife even in the courtship period. In short say something to the effect of “it was stupid of me not to tell you sooner. I was afraid you wouldn’t take me seriously after you found out some of the losers I dated.” Best of luck.

Insecurity, the Manly Way

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess.

When I was working late, my girlfriend, “Renee,” and her gay best friend, “Eddie,” got drunk and slept in the same bed. Eddie said he’d drunkenly staggered upstairs to her bedroom by accident. Renee said it’s happened many times, he’s “like a brother,” and there's no sex. Two nights later, I went to the emergency room (Renee wouldn't take me). When I returned, Eddie was upstairs again. Renee first denied it. Eddie joked he was “making a head count,” then said he was looking for his dog. I’ve told Renee that if she’s my girlfriend, she can’t get drunk and share a bed with other men, no matter whom. She says I’m putting her “in a box,” and dismisses my feelings (as usual). Am I wrong to believe that, even if there’s no sex, two adults sleeping in the same bed is intimacy Renee should save for me?

--Her Straight Boyfriend

Dear Straight,

If I were you I would worry a lot more about the fact that your girlfriend blew off taking you to the emergency room to get drunk with her buddy, and her “dismissing [your] feelings as usual” than I would about her platonic relationships. The line you are drawing in the sand, the “do not share your bed with another man even if he loves cock” is a test. You made it up because you are insecure in your relationship. Renee’s counterpoint calls you out on being insecure. The words sting, because there is a grain of truth in them.

She wouldn’t take you to the emergency room. You can’t openly bitch about that because you are a man and as a man you don’t need anyone to care, all you need is pussy and beef jerky (or so you tell yourself). Similarly it doesn’t bother you when someone dismisses your feelings “as usual”, because you are a man and feelings are for Oprah. Only when there is another dick near your “panty-tory” do you finally feel justified in saying something.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if she cared the way you want, she would have taken you to the emergency room. In fact, she would have insisted on it. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. She has given you multiple signs that she doesn’t care, you being in denial, dismissed those signs and made a new test that justified your feelings, preserved your manliness, and also gave her one last shot. Your girlfriend pissed on the test, then gave a half-assed excuse, involving boxes, and you are still trying to look for a reason not to dump her.

In a stable, caring relationship your girlfriend would put taking you to the emergency room over getting drunk with her buddy. This along with other subtle signs would give you reason to feel secure in your relationship. Then, on the occasion that you come home to discover that she platonically and drunkenly passed out in bed with her gay best friend you would smile to yourself, maybe take their shoes off for them, pick up the empty margarita pitcher, and not give it another thought.

Chaste For The Holidays

This question came from Dear Margo.

DEAR MARGO: I am a divorced 34-year-old woman now happily involved with a divorced 36-year-old man. We are in a serious relationship, talking of marriage and children.

Although I am American, I have lived in England for the past six years, so my lovely boyfriend has not been able to meet my family -- though I have met his.

We are planning to spend three weeks at Christmas with my family in Atlanta. We will be staying with my parents, who live in a large house with a small "apartment" in the basement.

I assumed that my boyfriend and I would be staying in this apartment over Christmas. However, my mother has informed me that she and my dad do not approve of an unmarried couple sleeping together in their house, and if I want to visit, I will be sleeping in a separate bedroom.

It seems a bit ridiculous, seeing as how Steven and I are mature (divorced!) adults. I do not wish to offend my parents but do not understand their sudden moralistic stance.

Understandably, my boyfriend is now having second thoughts about visiting my family for such a long time. This is a major chunk of time off work for both of us, and we want to be together.

Do you have any suggestions? At this point, I have not tried to argue with them. Kind regards

--- DIANA

Dear Dirty Diana,

Don’t try to argue with your parents, they are entitled to their views; however, as an adult so are you. Simply tell your parents that you have talked it over with your boyfriend and decided a hotel might be best. If you can’t afford a hotel, arrange to stay with a friend, or different relative in the area. If you can’t do any of these things then you are not a completely independent adult. As such, you should abide by your parents rules and maybe try to sneak your boyfriend a handjob after lights out.

If you have to stay (or live) with your parents, you’re going to have to put up with their bullshit. Ideally, if you are an independent adult your parents have less reason to give you bullshit. Sometimes, they save up a big steamy bowl for the holidays anyway. You can’t control how much bullshit they give you, just how you handle the bullshit you’re given. Financially and emotionally independent adults can say “no thanks” and pass the bowl back.

Friction aside, three weeks seems like an awfully long time to spend visiting your parents. Had you asked me beforehand I would have recommended a week, maybe ten day tops. I understand the two of you have a long way to travel. At the same time, I also recognize this as being a very high pressure situation for your boyfriend, you, and your parents. I think the less time spent in this sort of pressure cooker the better. Especially for the first meeting.

New Blog

I started a new non-advice themed blog on my myspace account. So far I have Horror movie reviews and television reviews up, but I am using the space for pretty much whatever strikes my fancy. Here is a link.


You can also click on "Sarah's myspace" under the links on the right.