Dear Abby: You Stink

There hasn’t been much in the way of entertaining questions (or answers) from Dear Abby lately. Most of the things can be summed up in a few sentences… sarcastically. Here’s to Dear Abby sucking.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman girl who is dating a junior guy I adore. I can talk to him about anything, and he's always there for me no matter what. We've been dating for seven months.

He is always telling me that we're going to be together forever, and I agree. But now that I start thinking about it, I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't want to say it because I don't want to hurt him. But I'm afraid if I keep leading him on that he'll only get stronger feelings.

How should I tell him this? I am so young, and there are so many other fish in the sea. All my friends keep telling me I can do better, but I just feel stuck and don't know what to do. You can't force yourself into loving someone, can you?

Please answer back as soon as possible, and tell your readers not to get too serious in a relationship unless you are 110 percent positive that he or she is "the one," or you'll end up in too big of a mess to handle. -- DISTRESSED DAMSEL IN THE MIDWEST

Dear Distressed,

You can say forever, it doesn’t count until you are too old to say things like that anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I am a newly single young woman just coming out of a marriage. I was recently dining alone in a local restaurant when I was sent a drink from a patron at the bar. This had never happened to me before.

Although I was flattered, I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. I wasn't interested in the gentleman sending the drink, and thus felt bad about accepting his kind gesture. What is the proper thing to do and say in this situation? -- NEWLY SINGLE IN THE SOUTH

Dear Newly,

It was just a drink; he can’t expect more than a quick boob flash. You don’t have to fuck him unless he buys you a nice dinner (we are talking surf and turf here ladies).

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 30 years. Over the last couple of years, she has been going to weddings, etc. by herself, vs. our going as a couple as before. Her excuse is that they are "her" friends, and only she was invited.

I think this is unusual, and it seems like they are occasions when couples should attend. Am I wrong in feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN CINCINNATI

Dear Left Out,

You must be really annoying to go to weddings with. You either drink too much, bitch through the whole thing, or you’re a shitty dancer. Ask your wife which it is.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in four months. It's the moment I have dreamed of for the last three years. However, the priest who is supposed to conduct our service has made rude remarks -- such as our marriage "won't last."

Abby, I am very uncomfortable about being married by a person who doesn't believe in our marriage. But if we are married by another officiate, then it won't be accepted by his family. What should I do? -- IN LOVE IN KANSAS

Dear In Love,

If he chose a life of celibacy he is humiliated by his sexual urges, be they of the homosexual, child molesting, or necrotic variety. Either way you should cut him some slack, chances are he hasn’t been laid in a really long time.