V.C. Andrews Eat Your Heart Out

This question is vintage Dear Margo.

DEAR MARGO: I am engaged to a man who has an unusually close relationship with his sister. They have a long history of living together as adults and behaving like significant others. Past partners felt like outsiders in their world.

Well into their 40s, neither one had ever been engaged or married until I came into the picture. Our relationship has been a first for him: beginning a life with me while still trying to remain close to her. Their history has created friction between all of us. Sadly, he is in the middle.

Although he has stepped up to the plate in many ways, I feel we need some guidance moving forward. Instead of tackling each issue as it arises and having the same argument/discussion regarding each of our roles, I wish we could come to a general understanding of what is acceptable.

His sister can be quite good at creating drama. It is as though her brother is finally moving on with marriage while she is holding on to the hope that she can remain his pseudo life-partner. She has openly said that no one comes between her and her brother.

Regardless of her behavior, we are trying to work through this situation and want to be rid of this strife. I genuinely feel bad for him and want us all to respect each other in each of our different roles . . . I just don't know how to accomplish this. -- FRUSTRATED WITH FAMILY

Dear Frustrated,

Hmmm, how to put this gently… your boyfriend fucked his sister, your boyfriend had a sexual relationship with his sister. She is confusing her roles as sister and life-partner because to her they are one in the same. I would buy her being merely emotionally dependant if she created a stink for awhile then found something else to do, say a boyfriend; or if the siblings were younger, say in their teens or even early twenties. Forty years old, no serious relationships between the two of them, a long history of living together and acting like significant others, that spells I-N-C-E-S-T.

One of the messed up things about incest is its nearly impossible to break up and never speak to the person again. It is taking an emotionally intimate relationship between siblings, making it sexual and emotional then trying to tear the sexual part out, but leave the emotional part. The best argument against incest (besides “eww gross”) is you can never make a clean break. The best argument for incest (just to be fair) is no in-laws.

Your boyfriend is finally trying to break the sexual part of the relationship, probably not for the first time. My guess would be one (or both) of them wants children and it can’t happen together, so it is time to move on.

The easiest solution is for you to find someone else without that sort of baggage. If you’re so emotionally invested that you still want to be with him I recommend that you remove yourself from the conflict. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not compete with his sister. When a situation arises that pits the two of you against one another tell your fiancé to do whatever he wants because you refuse to compete. Hopefully he’ll put her first for sisterly things, like say she needs help moving and you first for wifely things like who he sits beside at weddings. Let all the conflict be between him and his sister with you completely out of it. He can’t be in the middle of the fight if it is between the two of them. Also, it is important for the sister to see that her brother puts you first on his own, not because you force him. If you aren’t put first, and you’re at an engagement stage, you’re an idiot to stay.