Chaste For The Holidays

This question came from Dear Margo.

DEAR MARGO: I am a divorced 34-year-old woman now happily involved with a divorced 36-year-old man. We are in a serious relationship, talking of marriage and children.

Although I am American, I have lived in England for the past six years, so my lovely boyfriend has not been able to meet my family -- though I have met his.

We are planning to spend three weeks at Christmas with my family in Atlanta. We will be staying with my parents, who live in a large house with a small "apartment" in the basement.

I assumed that my boyfriend and I would be staying in this apartment over Christmas. However, my mother has informed me that she and my dad do not approve of an unmarried couple sleeping together in their house, and if I want to visit, I will be sleeping in a separate bedroom.

It seems a bit ridiculous, seeing as how Steven and I are mature (divorced!) adults. I do not wish to offend my parents but do not understand their sudden moralistic stance.

Understandably, my boyfriend is now having second thoughts about visiting my family for such a long time. This is a major chunk of time off work for both of us, and we want to be together.

Do you have any suggestions? At this point, I have not tried to argue with them. Kind regards

--- DIANA

Dear Dirty Diana,

Don’t try to argue with your parents, they are entitled to their views; however, as an adult so are you. Simply tell your parents that you have talked it over with your boyfriend and decided a hotel might be best. If you can’t afford a hotel, arrange to stay with a friend, or different relative in the area. If you can’t do any of these things then you are not a completely independent adult. As such, you should abide by your parents rules and maybe try to sneak your boyfriend a handjob after lights out.

If you have to stay (or live) with your parents, you’re going to have to put up with their bullshit. Ideally, if you are an independent adult your parents have less reason to give you bullshit. Sometimes, they save up a big steamy bowl for the holidays anyway. You can’t control how much bullshit they give you, just how you handle the bullshit you’re given. Financially and emotionally independent adults can say “no thanks” and pass the bowl back.

Friction aside, three weeks seems like an awfully long time to spend visiting your parents. Had you asked me beforehand I would have recommended a week, maybe ten day tops. I understand the two of you have a long way to travel. At the same time, I also recognize this as being a very high pressure situation for your boyfriend, you, and your parents. I think the less time spent in this sort of pressure cooker the better. Especially for the first meeting.