Insecurity, the Manly Way

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess.

When I was working late, my girlfriend, “Renee,” and her gay best friend, “Eddie,” got drunk and slept in the same bed. Eddie said he’d drunkenly staggered upstairs to her bedroom by accident. Renee said it’s happened many times, he’s “like a brother,” and there's no sex. Two nights later, I went to the emergency room (Renee wouldn't take me). When I returned, Eddie was upstairs again. Renee first denied it. Eddie joked he was “making a head count,” then said he was looking for his dog. I’ve told Renee that if she’s my girlfriend, she can’t get drunk and share a bed with other men, no matter whom. She says I’m putting her “in a box,” and dismisses my feelings (as usual). Am I wrong to believe that, even if there’s no sex, two adults sleeping in the same bed is intimacy Renee should save for me?

--Her Straight Boyfriend

Dear Straight,

If I were you I would worry a lot more about the fact that your girlfriend blew off taking you to the emergency room to get drunk with her buddy, and her “dismissing [your] feelings as usual” than I would about her platonic relationships. The line you are drawing in the sand, the “do not share your bed with another man even if he loves cock” is a test. You made it up because you are insecure in your relationship. Renee’s counterpoint calls you out on being insecure. The words sting, because there is a grain of truth in them.

She wouldn’t take you to the emergency room. You can’t openly bitch about that because you are a man and as a man you don’t need anyone to care, all you need is pussy and beef jerky (or so you tell yourself). Similarly it doesn’t bother you when someone dismisses your feelings “as usual”, because you are a man and feelings are for Oprah. Only when there is another dick near your “panty-tory” do you finally feel justified in saying something.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if she cared the way you want, she would have taken you to the emergency room. In fact, she would have insisted on it. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. She has given you multiple signs that she doesn’t care, you being in denial, dismissed those signs and made a new test that justified your feelings, preserved your manliness, and also gave her one last shot. Your girlfriend pissed on the test, then gave a half-assed excuse, involving boxes, and you are still trying to look for a reason not to dump her.

In a stable, caring relationship your girlfriend would put taking you to the emergency room over getting drunk with her buddy. This along with other subtle signs would give you reason to feel secure in your relationship. Then, on the occasion that you come home to discover that she platonically and drunkenly passed out in bed with her gay best friend you would smile to yourself, maybe take their shoes off for them, pick up the empty margarita pitcher, and not give it another thought.