For the Dumped and Bitter in Us All

Dear Sarah-

I have a "friend" who I need to get some serious revenge on. I've got my reasons. They involve a cheating, lying boyfriend and a trashy, no-class skank.

I'm not talking about burning dog poop in a bag on a porch, or evil phone calls in the middle of the night. I'm talking about completely ruining this person's personal, professional and social lives. I've got plenty of time, money, and the brains to make it happen - but something is stopping me. I'd like to think it was my conscience, but more likely it is a fear of getting caught. I don't think I can make myself feel better by doing this, but I know I can make them feel worse.

I'm not asking for advice on whether or not to do it. I'm going to do it. I just want your input on HOW to do it.

Lovin' the evil side of me

Dear Lovin’

This letter gives me the perfect opportunity to clarify my definition of cheating. To cheat is when you’re with person A but decide to mess around with person B anyway. The part that makes it cheating is that the cheater still wants to keep a relationship with person A at the end of the fling. It sounds like your boyfriend broke up with you and slept with someone else but didn’t tell you things were over. I assume that the ex-boyfriend and the other woman are still together my gentle reader because Lovin’ referred to the other woman as a skank and not a whore. For those of you who aren’t fans of Ricki Lake that is the difference between the two.

That was a shitty thing for your ex-boyfriend to do. Maybe he is a self centered ass who decided to take his new girl for a test drive before deciding to break up with you, maybe he gets a kick out of breaking hearts this way, maybe he was just out of cell phone minutes for the month so he was waiting until his next billing cycle to fill you in, or maybe just maybe you’re a little bit too scary to be in break-up situations with. This last maybe prevents me from giving you any really good revenge tips.

I’ve always been more of a “the best revenge is living well” type myself anyway. Still, I can’t resist the call for advice so I’ll give you one tip: give guys who try to pick you up his number. They will constantly call his cell asking for you. If he asks you about it look at him like he is nuts and you haven’t thought about him in months. Continue giving his number to interested parties, when confronted with it again give him your practiced look and ask him if he is obsessed or something. Another tip; when you met a guy you are interested in, stop. Nothing is uglier than obsessing over an ex.