Wife/Mistress Etiquette

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess

Six months ago, my husband of two years had a one-night stand with a coworker. He confessed a month later, saying he took time to get perspective rather than telling me immediately out of guilt. We hadn't been getting along great then (money problems, etc.), but now, after much work, our relationship is strong again, and we're both very happy. I truly believe he'll never cheat again. This weekend, his company is having a (non-mandatory) gathering. I was friendly with this woman before, but this would be my first time seeing her since. My husband and I have a conflicting invitation to the beach, but I'm worried I'll look weak if I'm a no-show at his office. Nobody there knows anything, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone, so it's not about proving anything to the masses. If we do go to his work thing, how should I act?

Wow. You sound so secure and well adjusted. Seriously, I’m impressed.

About the work gathering, if your office is anything like mine people routinely skip out on work activities if they have something better to do. Nobody really takes offense, besides a few playful jabs on Monday morning nobody really cares. I really don’t think the specific coworker you’re thinking of is going to think you are weak. I don’t know her, or much about her, but I would guess her first reaction would be “wow, he has something more fun to do with his wife I was an idiot for sleeping with him”. If she thinks your absence is some sort of weakness on your part it is her own defense mechanisms kicking in. If she is that kind of person she will think poorly of you whether you attend the function or not, so don’t worry about it.

It’s admirable that you’re willing to sacrifice your own comfort for the greater good of being a strong secure woman. I’m not saying that you should avoid gatherings at your husbands work indefinitely, but it is a bit soon. There isn’t much to gain by forcing yourself around this woman and restraining yourself from clawing her eyes out. The woman can’t expect you to like her, and assuming she is a decent human being she probably feels at least a little guilty. An aside to my readers; yes the husband committed a greater wrong than the mistress but I still think the mistress was in the wrong as well.

Give yourself and your husband more time to rebuild trust and get over what happened. When you are ready (you don’t strike me as the type to wait forever) go to a work function with your husband. It will be awkward. Take a tip from AA: “fake it ‘till ya make it”. The woman will probably make some effort avoiding you, act like you don’t notice and try to be as cool and breezy as possible. I am advising against a private confrontation because I have seen too many Jerry Springer episodes to think that will make either one of you look very good. Good luck.