Grace, Meet Will

This question came from "Ask the Advice Goddess"

For two years, I've been desperately in love with my best guy friend. He and I dated last year, but broke up for reasons still unclear to me. Actually, our relationship wasn't much of one; he'd hold my hand or hug me if I MADE him, but it never got further than that. Still, we went everywhere together, and he paid for dates, and otherwise behaved as if we were in a relationship. This confused me, and when I asked him about it, he broke up with me. Six weeks later, we're friends again. He spends most of his time with me, and always shows up at my door unexpected. Yet, if anyone asks him whether we're back together, he'll defensively bark "No!" On some days, he won't have anything to do with me. He's said he just isn't interested in girls (or guys...in case you were wondering). Well, no one makes me feel the way he does. I'm afraid if I bring up his odd behavior, I'll lose his friendship. Why does he treat me like a girlfriend one minute and a stranger the next?

--Friendly Fire

Because he’s gay. Sorry to break it to you. He enjoys your company, doesn’t mind treating you when you are out, and shows up unannounced to hang out, but doesn’t try to bone you. That is platonic friend stuff not boyfriend stuff. The fact that you look at him all googly eyed is probably flattering but nothing beyond that.

I’m sure he is aware of your feelings. He thinks you are fun to be around and hangs out despite your puppy love not because of it. In a way I bet that you like him even more since you can’t have him. This is the beginning story to the classic fag/fag hag duo.

He has made it pretty clear what he wants from you. Friendship, only friendship, absolutely nothing more than friendship. Now you just have to decide if you want the same thing. Don’t hang onto the friendship because you are hoping it will turn into a relationship. The only way this could turn into a relationship is if he introduces you to someone else.

Hollywood loves to boil down the coming out story to “ok I’m gay, now I’m happy, and everyone knows.” Not surprisingly, things don’t really work like that. My prediction on your friends coming out story is this: stage one; all his friends know, but most are too polite to say anything. Stage two: he knows himself. Stage three: he starts telling people. The stages may take years, or they may all happen in the span of a week. You two sound like you already have a more than decent friendship; but, if you can’t think of the guy as just a friend don't torture yourself. Tell him you don’t want to hang out anymore.