Straight From Wisteria Lane

This came from Dear Abby. I really need to send her a thank you for all the questions she has raked in for me. Also a reminder to internet people: send me questions!

I think my grandson lives next door to me, but I'm not sure. I can't sleep at night wondering and worrying.

About two years ago, my neighbor kept inviting my then-18-year-old son over to help her do odd jobs while her husband was at work. He seemed happy to help out, and she always gave him some money for the jobs. A few months later, she and her husband announced they were expecting.

I work with this man's ex-wife, and she confided to me once that she never had children because he couldn't give her any. To me, this could mean that the husband knows he's not the father, or maybe that they used my son as an unintentional sperm donor. The little boy looks a lot like my son did at that age. Should I confront him about the affair and possible parenthood? He may be unaware that he fathered the child. -- SUSPICIOUS IN ILLINOIS

Dear Suspicious

You need to confront your son John, then Carlos and Gabrielle, do it before Mrs. Solis comes out of her coma. While your at it tell him that his roommate is gay and dating that Van De Kamp boy who incidentally, ran over Mrs. Solis and put her in a coma to begin with. Was this question for real? Ah well, I like fake questions too.

OK first all the reasons that I truly believe you are wrong. A teenager would make a horrible lover on the side for a married woman. They are emotional and indiscrete, it would be an embarrassment if they were caught (a “we gotta move” embarrassment), they are unpredictable as far as if they would fight for custody of a child (either now or 5 years from now), and they have mothers to worry about too.

Now let’s assume he actually bonked the lady next door. Your son would have to be really stupid not to have his own suspicions. Do you think he could be having an affair, then his mistress turn up pregnant, then deal with a break up, and you as a parent living with him wouldn’t notice anything odd about his behavior? Oh but the ex-wife coworker, here’s an explanation for ya, sperm donor. Lots of couples use them and they wouldn’t exactly be neighborhood knowledge. Another, she lied cause she was trying to throw dirt at her ex. The coworker may have been trying to spread an embarrassing story through the biggest gossip in the neighborhood.

For the sake of juicy gossip; we’ll say that your son had the affair, and you had no clue at the time. I can’t picture a scenario were your son wouldn’t already know he is a biological father. He may even regard the experience as mutually beneficial. The couple gets the baby they so desperately wanted and he got what any heterosexual 18 year-old wants with no liability. Also, the bonus of a possible kidney donor should the need arise. I doubt he was having an affair, but even if he was all signs indicate he knew exactly what was going on and he was of age so that basically makes it none of your business either way.

My advice is for you to set your DVR for drama and leave your neighbors out of it.