Insecurity, the Manly Way

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess.

When I was working late, my girlfriend, “Renee,” and her gay best friend, “Eddie,” got drunk and slept in the same bed. Eddie said he’d drunkenly staggered upstairs to her bedroom by accident. Renee said it’s happened many times, he’s “like a brother,” and there's no sex. Two nights later, I went to the emergency room (Renee wouldn't take me). When I returned, Eddie was upstairs again. Renee first denied it. Eddie joked he was “making a head count,” then said he was looking for his dog. I’ve told Renee that if she’s my girlfriend, she can’t get drunk and share a bed with other men, no matter whom. She says I’m putting her “in a box,” and dismisses my feelings (as usual). Am I wrong to believe that, even if there’s no sex, two adults sleeping in the same bed is intimacy Renee should save for me?

--Her Straight Boyfriend

Dear Straight,

If I were you I would worry a lot more about the fact that your girlfriend blew off taking you to the emergency room to get drunk with her buddy, and her “dismissing [your] feelings as usual” than I would about her platonic relationships. The line you are drawing in the sand, the “do not share your bed with another man even if he loves cock” is a test. You made it up because you are insecure in your relationship. Renee’s counterpoint calls you out on being insecure. The words sting, because there is a grain of truth in them.

She wouldn’t take you to the emergency room. You can’t openly bitch about that because you are a man and as a man you don’t need anyone to care, all you need is pussy and beef jerky (or so you tell yourself). Similarly it doesn’t bother you when someone dismisses your feelings “as usual”, because you are a man and feelings are for Oprah. Only when there is another dick near your “panty-tory” do you finally feel justified in saying something.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if she cared the way you want, she would have taken you to the emergency room. In fact, she would have insisted on it. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. She has given you multiple signs that she doesn’t care, you being in denial, dismissed those signs and made a new test that justified your feelings, preserved your manliness, and also gave her one last shot. Your girlfriend pissed on the test, then gave a half-assed excuse, involving boxes, and you are still trying to look for a reason not to dump her.

In a stable, caring relationship your girlfriend would put taking you to the emergency room over getting drunk with her buddy. This along with other subtle signs would give you reason to feel secure in your relationship. Then, on the occasion that you come home to discover that she platonically and drunkenly passed out in bed with her gay best friend you would smile to yourself, maybe take their shoes off for them, pick up the empty margarita pitcher, and not give it another thought.

Chaste For The Holidays

This question came from Dear Margo.

DEAR MARGO: I am a divorced 34-year-old woman now happily involved with a divorced 36-year-old man. We are in a serious relationship, talking of marriage and children.

Although I am American, I have lived in England for the past six years, so my lovely boyfriend has not been able to meet my family -- though I have met his.

We are planning to spend three weeks at Christmas with my family in Atlanta. We will be staying with my parents, who live in a large house with a small "apartment" in the basement.

I assumed that my boyfriend and I would be staying in this apartment over Christmas. However, my mother has informed me that she and my dad do not approve of an unmarried couple sleeping together in their house, and if I want to visit, I will be sleeping in a separate bedroom.

It seems a bit ridiculous, seeing as how Steven and I are mature (divorced!) adults. I do not wish to offend my parents but do not understand their sudden moralistic stance.

Understandably, my boyfriend is now having second thoughts about visiting my family for such a long time. This is a major chunk of time off work for both of us, and we want to be together.

Do you have any suggestions? At this point, I have not tried to argue with them. Kind regards

--- DIANA

Dear Dirty Diana,

Don’t try to argue with your parents, they are entitled to their views; however, as an adult so are you. Simply tell your parents that you have talked it over with your boyfriend and decided a hotel might be best. If you can’t afford a hotel, arrange to stay with a friend, or different relative in the area. If you can’t do any of these things then you are not a completely independent adult. As such, you should abide by your parents rules and maybe try to sneak your boyfriend a handjob after lights out.

If you have to stay (or live) with your parents, you’re going to have to put up with their bullshit. Ideally, if you are an independent adult your parents have less reason to give you bullshit. Sometimes, they save up a big steamy bowl for the holidays anyway. You can’t control how much bullshit they give you, just how you handle the bullshit you’re given. Financially and emotionally independent adults can say “no thanks” and pass the bowl back.

Friction aside, three weeks seems like an awfully long time to spend visiting your parents. Had you asked me beforehand I would have recommended a week, maybe ten day tops. I understand the two of you have a long way to travel. At the same time, I also recognize this as being a very high pressure situation for your boyfriend, you, and your parents. I think the less time spent in this sort of pressure cooker the better. Especially for the first meeting.

New Blog

I started a new non-advice themed blog on my myspace account. So far I have Horror movie reviews and television reviews up, but I am using the space for pretty much whatever strikes my fancy. Here is a link.


You can also click on "Sarah's myspace" under the links on the right.