To Hookup or Not Hookup

This came from ask the advice goddess.

The other night, I really hit it off with a woman I met in a bar. Even though her friend had taken me aside and told me I could get this woman to go home with me, at the end of the evening, I only asked her for her number. When she hesitated in giving it to me, I gave her my e-mail address. I still haven’t heard from her. My guy friend chided me that I missed an opportunity to “get some.” The thing is, I am not looking to just “get some.” What I want most is a lasting, stable, sexual relationship with a woman with whom I can share this fleetingly beautiful existence. Did I do the right thing, or should I give up on my foolish notions of finding that special someone and just go for the “hookup”?

--A Gentleman

Dear Gentleman,

The thing is, the woman wasn’t looking for someone to “share this fleetingly beautiful existence” (STFBE), she was looking to “get some” (GS). Her friend knew and encouraged her quest to GS and gave you a not so subtle hint. The friend later called a girl bathroom trip (now you know why girls do that) and shared that she gave you the not so subtle hint. Then all she gets is an email address; no game of sticky fingers, no over the sweater action, not even a phone number. She took it as a rejection, because when someone offers sex, and gets the same treatment you would give to moveon.org, it is a rejection. As a straight woman she isn’t used to anonymous sex rejection, so it probably carried a little extra sting.

I can’t say if rejecting her was the right thing to do. It’s possible that the woman had a boyfriend who cheated on her and she was looking for a revenge fuck. Perhaps, she had crabs, or was really a man. Maybe she just wanted meaningless sex, for the sake of having meaningless sex. You’ll never know.

It sounds like you are putting women in two different categories; those to GS with and those to STFBE with. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, most people don’t know if someone is STFBE material until they GS. I know many couples now in STFBE type relationships that started out by GS.

GS isn’t the only way to start a STFBE relationship. The way STFBE relationships start are about as varied as the STFBE relationships themselves. It’s a topsy turvy world. In short don’t hate the player, hate the game.