Now for your problems

Dear Scarah,

While I revel in artistic expression, I have a roommate who totally hates it all, and while I want certain friends of mine to express themselves on blog sites and the like, he just rolls his eyes and says we're all pretentious bitches who never get laid. How do I tell him we're better than that and he's a big poophead who never loved us?

Bitter Lover of Goodness

Dear Bitter

I have bestowed upon your roommate constipation ~think cheese~ that will only alleviate after he admits his poop-headedness.
As for the pretentious bitches part, he may have a point I will l make an effort to show my humility.
The getting laid part, my personal belief is anyone can get laid all they have to do is lower their standards. If there is any doubt just read on.

Dear Sarah:
My crotch has a chronic itch, and I think it is from doing your mom. What do you think? Does your mom engage in practices that you know of that would facilitate disease? I went to the doctor and they have since closed down their practice for fumigations. Which I have a feeling had to do with my visit. Should I call an exterminator? Do you know anyone else that has killing agents on such a grand scale that they could attack whatever I have down there?
Itchy Ricky

Dear Itchy:
Two words gasoline and fire. Don't worry they are both sterile.

Proof of my advice powers

Since this is my first posting I decided to answer a Dear Abby advice question to give everyone an idea of my brand of advice:
DEAR ABBY: After six years of marriage and a beautiful daughter, my wife, "Chanelle," demanded a separation. She said she needed time to "find herself." She forgot to mention that she was having an affair with a subordinate at work, "Earl." Eventually, Earl's wife and I found out. Chanelle lost her job, her boyfriend and her self-respect. Suddenly she wanted me back. I wasn't sure I could live with a woman who had lied and cheated on me. After a year later, Chanelle became pregnant with our son, who is due in a few months. I'm positive the baby is mine, so we decided for the children's sake to reconcile. I still can't forgive Chanelle for the affair. She used a string of lies to cover her activities, so I'm having severe trust issues. I was faithful throughout our marriage. While we were separated, I frequently lent her money and ran errands for her. At the time, she told me she hadn't been in love with me since the birth of our daughter. Now I feel used. During our separation, I made sure our daughter called Chanelle's parents every night. We spent holidays with them while Chanelle worked. Instead of thanking me for it, they insist that I drove their daughter into the arms of another man. To make things worse, my parents refuse to accept Chanelle back into the family. In all fairness, Chanelle was the last person you'd think would have an affair. She was family-oriented and had conservative values. Earl was the last person you'd imagine she'd choose. He's a chain-smoking, married redneck with a history of infidelity. Both sets of in-laws are trying to sabotage the marriage, my feelings for my wife have changed, and I now realize I never really knew Chanelle at all. Can this marriage be saved? -- SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED IN WEST VIRGINIA

This question came from http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/ on 5/12/05. Below is my answer if you want to know Abby’s answer go to Abby’s site.

Dear Shaken,
So let me see if I get all this. Your wife of 6 years wanted a separation, you found out she was having and affair (with a subordinate no less), her life then went to total shit, and she wanted you or perhaps just some “normalcy” back. You knocked her up anyway (no use crying over spilled spunk), then decided to get back together, now what do you do. I don’t know why you included all the stuff about parents. It’s all "my parents think", "her parents think", blah, blah, fucking blah.
I can explain all the parent stuff pretty easily. Were you wearing a “my wife is a whore and I’m the bigger person T-shirt” when you took the kid to Thanksgiving dinner? Maybe you didn’t have the T-shirt on but it was certainly written all over you face. Your parents took your side, her parents took her side, big surprise. Your both grown ups and nobody needs permission from mommy and daddy anymore.
Now on to your core issues. My, my, they are so complex I need to describe them with a mathematical equation:
You don’t trust your wife + You can’t forgive your wife = Divorce
Until you figure out why your wife cheated you’ll never be able to trust or forgive. You never mention any of the reasons your wife gave for cheating. Did you ask? Did she not tell? Did she tell and you not believe her? These questions are too tedious to be entertaining to anyone but you, your wife, and a professional you pay to listen to you. Oh wait and your weenie parents and in-laws don’t forget about them.

Introduction

Advice columns have been my guilty pleasure ever since Dear Abby was put next to the comic strips. I've read many of them and even wrote to a couple in the hopes of seeing my letter in print. Alas, it never happened apparently my problems are too fake or too boring. Am I qualified? No, not really but if you write me you have an excellent chance of seeing your specific problem along with my advice on this site. Go ahead try writing Dear Abby, Dan Savage, Dear Dottie, or Prudie (if your gullible enough to not be able to guess what Prudie has to say) chances are you won't see your letter. Here, chances are you will. Email problems to scarah11@yahoo.com