Sweet Valley Christian High

I stole this question from "ask Natalie"

I’m dating a girl whose parents have explicitly said that I’m not allowed to date her. Initially, her parents didn’t realize we were dating, but recently they found out a little and turned rather suspicious. So now they won’t let us hang out because they think we’re more than friends.

This led my girlfriend to suggest covering our tracks, which she would do by dating this Christian guy. Since he’s Christian and cares for his reputation he won’t be doing anything funny to her ’cause they’re not married, so she can use him as a cover until she turns 18 and her parents can’t keep us apart anymore.

Basically she’s gonna pretend to be in love with a guy to make her parents not suspect that she’s actually in love with me. That way her parents won’t prevent her from seeing me, which means we won’t have to be apart for an infernally long time.

Still, as you can probably see, the whole thing leaks a little. It’s sort of mean towards the cover-story guy, and it seems like a somewhat unstable solution. Plus, I’m a little scared that she might actually have a crush on the cover-story guy.

Should we go ahead and trick the parents, or should we face the music and be kept apart for six months? —Tony

Dear Tony,

There is nothing like the near apocalypse of teen love. I totally think you should go for it. Drama will ensue I’m sure; but honestly, you’re a teenager, there is supposed to be drama. It’s cuter than puppies dressed up in kitten costumes.

You guys have raging hormones and I think the best advice I can give is not to fight it too hard because you’ll lose anyway. I bet perfume companies are dieing to bottle the stuff you guys are all hopped up on 24-7. They would make a killing. It’s necessary to do some screwing up in the dating department. Because all the advice columnists in the word can tell you something but nobody will really believe us until they do some screwing up on their own. In hindsight you may look back and think “well that was stupid of me” but hey that just means you won’t have the same mistake when your 27. There aren’t quite as many excuses at 27.

A few things about Mr. Christian cover story guy. Yeah she is probably at least mildly attracted to him. Why else would he be a cover story rather than… oh… say, your girlfriend telling her parents she is gay. That would make her parents practically throw her at you. But I digress.

Keep in mind Christian teenagers don’t think dry humping, and blow jobs counts as sex. To be honest I think they have an open door (as long as it’s the back door) policy on anything that’s not sex of the missionary penis and vagina sort. In other words he has tons of hormones too, bible or no bible. It’s not as if she picked a mutant tub of guts, just a Christian. You as the bad boy have a huge advantage though, don’t forget it. The key thing you have to remember is confidence.

Teenage girl hormones are different than teenage boy hormones. The hormones that hop up teenage girls tend to make them feel better about themselves by making someone else miserable, it’s kind of how they test their own power and fight the esteem problems that come with PMS. The more jealous you become the further she is going to take things with Mr. Christian because you being jealous makes her feel good. She is probably going to feed the same thing to Mr. Christian about you.

If it were possible, I would advise you to play it cool and nonchalant; however, the raging hormones make me doubt that’s feasible. Instead, how about this as my closing advice: have fun, don’t do anything permanent (i.e. tattoos, scars, pregnancy), and don’t take it personally when it goes in the crapper. The world will go on and you’ll look back on your naiveté and those first romantic feelings fondly.

Sex Education Internet Style

I took this question from "The Advice Goddess" since all the internet people who read my site don't seem to have any problems to email me.

Five months ago, I slept with a woman I dated for a few weeks. She said she was on the pill, so I didn't use a condom. Last week, out of the blue, she called and told me she's pregnant and is having the baby. When I asked how it could be mine, she said she lied about being on the pill because she's 36 and desperately wanted a child. I suspect she doesn't know who the father is, but hopes I'll be a good guy and "do the right thing." I'm not trying to shirk responsibility (I'm a committed father to a 4-year-old daughter I had with my ex-wife), but I caught this woman in several lies while dating her, so I can't help worrying I'm being played. What should I do?

--Parent Apparent

There are two kinds of denial. One kind is when you want something to not be true even though all the evidence is there. In the other you want something to be true so bad that you believe it without evidence. Be aware both had a hand in getting you where you are now.

You didn’t want to wear a condom. You took the word of someone that you didn’t know very well that she was on birth control, also assuming of course that she didn’t have any little nasties to pass along. You wanted to go without a condom so bad that you took the word of an acquaintance. I think married life spoiled you in that respect. That would be the second kind of denial. Now in the aftermath you are fighting the first kind of denial. You want to believe this baby isn’t yours. Your thinking to yourself “she lied about being on birth control so she must be lying about me being the father as well”.

This woman very well could have been having sex with other men and giving them the same story. You don’t seem to be worried about STDs though, just paternity. Research has shown HIV is asymptomatic until you develop AIDS which could take years, Chlamydia is asymptomatic in 50-75% (sources of the exact percentage vary) of women and 25-50% of men. For gonorrhea, my sources say women’s symptoms are often mild or nonexistent and males may also be asymptomatic. This quick sex-education lesson is courtesy of about 15 minutes worth of internet time. I even got percentages people! In my opinion schools are shirking their responsibility in sex education but anyone who can get a library card can get online, so I suggest everyone who is or will soon be sexually active (and oral and anal DO count as sex when it comes to most STDs) should spend a few minutes online researching. Don’t wait for it to burn when you pee.

That woman did a horrible thing by lying to you about contraception. I don’t want to downplay that; however, you were stupid to trust someone you barely knew about these things when you are aware of the repercussions. Don’t give me any of that “but I’m a guy when pussy is in front of us we can’t think” nonsense. I think being aroused lowers inhibitions for men and women but it does not go to an extent that you lose all common sense. If that were the case women would never wear bikinis, and normally heterosexual men would have sex with each other in porn shops.

All of that is water under the bridge now. At the risk of sounding like a parent I hope you have learned your lesson. You should, in this exact order go to the doctor and get tested for STDs, get a lawyer and then get a paternity test. The paternity test can’t safely be performed on expectant mothers (it could be too tramatic for the baby) so you will have a bit of a wait. I suggest you use the time to mentally prepare yourself to be the father, it is very possible. I wouldn't wish dealing with such a manipulative woman on anyone. Good luck.