Attraction Is Shallow

Both of these questions came from "dear Prudence".

My boyfriend and I have been together for just about two months. He is kind, generous, caring, thoughtful, successful, a fabulous lover ... everything I could want in a man! However, I'm having a bit of an issue with his appearance—specifically, his back. The hair, the pimples—I'm close to repulsed when I see it! I don't want to hurt this man and this is not something to end this relationship over, but I don't know what to do!

—Feeling Superficial and Shallow

Dear Feeling #1 (you’ll get that in a minute)

Most straight guys are physically more attractive when they have a girlfriend. The girlfriend and sex in general is one of the major motivators for guys to give more of a shit about their appearance. You’re not asking much, its all in the way you ask it.

It’s actually pretty easy. Tell him that you are into backs and that it would really turn you on if he kept his back waxed and scrubbed. Make it more into a kinky dare, maybe even offer to shave your cooter or something similar. If he equates trying to keep his back pimple and hair free with mind-blowing sex you should have no problems.

I am a man in my late 40s, new to the dating scene after a divorce, and I have begun seeing a wonderful, sexy, accomplished woman. There's only one problem: A number of years ago she had breast cancer and went through a bilateral mastectomy. She had restorative surgery, and while the surgery was a major success for her self-image, it has left one breast, well, dented, with a crease in it. She is a heroic woman who has done wonderful things for women's health care over the years, and her sex drive and emotional energy are equal to and surpass that of many women I have known. But the misshaped breast has a way of, uh, lowering my libido. Is this selfish and narcissistic of me? Absolutely. I guess I need a woman to carefully and prudentially tell me how I might cope with this—I mean, in an inner way. Is there a "mantra" that will help me remain focused on all the good, sweet, transcendent stuff that is in her, and not on the pinup expectations that I, along with most men, still have?

—Feeling Like a Boob

Dear Feeling #2 (get it now?)

As a woman I have to admit when I first read your letter I wanted to smack you. Then I reread it and you seem to really respect and care for this woman. You’re trying to change what turns you on and off to make this woman the total package. Sorry, that’s not possible.

The advice I gave to Feeling#1 won’t work in this case. You can’t ask your girlfriend to go to a plastic surgeon and get the dented breast fixed. One problem is surgery is quite something to put your body through, way more than the possibility of a wax allergy or itching that Feeling#1’s boyfriend may have to endure. Another problem is your girlfriend really went through something to get that dented breast. She survived cancer, and bounced back to have the emotional energy and sex drive you find so endearing. She may be proud of her dented breast and look at it as a daily reminder of what she has overcome.

All that being said you have only one choice, break things off with her. This is a deal breaker for you, even if you don’t necessarily want it to be. Had the two of you invested marrage and years together it may make for a different story, but the two of you are just dating. If you’re feeling guilty think of it like this: she deserves a guy who will be hot for her dented breast and all, and you deserve to be hot for the woman you are with as well so it just makes the two of you incompatible. Eventually I think you’ll find a nice woman with nice breasts and she’ll find a guy who is an ass man.