For Wolverine And Gay Pride Month

Dear Abby just gave me a good one.

I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think?

-- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

Dear Grandmother,

He isn’t circumcised? Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, why don’t you just give him the complete Barbara Streisand collection and a rainbow flag?!

If he’s 15 it’s defiantly too late. The only thing you can do is get him a sex change operation. Then he’ll technically be a straight woman with better than average home décor abilities.

OK serious advice time. First I want you to go watch one of the new fangled Xmen movies (III is the most obvious but they will all serve the same purpose). Don’t read the rest until after you watch the movie. Have you seen it? Well, at least promise to rent one of the damn things. OK now follow me here, every time they say the word mutant I want you to mentally replace it with the word homo. It really is a thinly disguised farce. Think about it some mutants (homos) are very obvious, they have blue skin (flaming fem for boys, diesel butch for girls) and some are more subtle, they look like everyone else (not too butch or fem) but still have special powers (queer as a three dollar bill). Also their mutant-(homo) ness doesn’t become apparent until puberty.

In the movies you are rooting for the mutant (homo) hero, after all they are born the way they are, and just like everyone they go through life trying to overcome obstacles and be happy. Of course there are good mutants (homos) and bad ones, but that goes for any group. If you actually watched the movie first this may give you some perspective.

Second step; get your ass to Pflagg or some other organization that can explain things to you. I am discouraging you from talking to your grandson. Even if he has come to terms with himself he is still very impressionably young and you’ll probably hurt his feelings if you try to ask him questions. If you’re gay (for the record I am) the question “Aren’t most gay people child molesters?” hurts coming out of your own grandma’s mouth but, it’s exactly the kind of question most grandmas have. Pflag could give you a neutral person to get your questions answered. The neutral person is much less likely to have his/her feelings hurt and you can ask whatever the hell you want.

Even if your grandson isn’t gay I would recommend you get a handle on your homophobia. It affects everyone even straight married Christians. Think about it, if gay people try so hard to fit in and be straight that they marry a straight person, the same sex feelings don’t just go away. The homo is miserable married to straighty, and the straighty is miserable married to the homo. Both find excuses to work late, and neither person really gets the sex they want. Then there can be kids, and in-laws and all sorts of other problems that could all be avoided if being gay were no big deal. Another example is a story I read about a straight guy telling gay jokes, part of the joke was overheard without context and the straight guy was gay-bashed to a hospital bed. Homophobia isn't just a gay problem.