In Defense of Spanking

This one came from Dear Abby:

Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!

When I met him in person, every alarm God ever gave me as a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking her after knowing me for less than 10 minutes.

Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.

However, I am concerned for my friend. I'm afraid he may abuse her. I don't want to associate with him, but I don't want to lose Hazel. Can this relationship be salvaged? -- SHOCKED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

Dear Shocked,

I’ve got some news for you; you and your husband already associate with someone who “openly practiced deviant behavior” namely your best friend. She answered an internet ad asking for women who enjoy being spanked. That means she was at very least curious about being spanked, and in all likelihood has probably tried it before this new guy.

When two women are best friends for 15 years certain things are assumed. One of which is that they can talk about their sex lives. She confided something about her sex life that made you uncomfortable. Then this snow ball of awkwardness was created. Hazel became uncomfortable, probably even more uncomfortable than you. Who wants to think they grossed out their best friend? Then new guy became even more uncomfortable than Hazel. He knows that you blame him for this deviant behavior, and that you think if he just goes away, so will your friend’s love of being spanked. After all, you would rather discover you have a tapeworm than actually think the guy is a gem. The new guy then slipped into a self destructive let’s-freak-the-squares mentality as a defense mechanism. That’s his way of trying to get you, your conservative husband, and your weird stares out of his social circle.

There is a chance he is a creep, but given the circumstances he acted as almost anyone in his situation would. If you care about your friend you should give the guy a fair chance. If he turns out to be a controlling ass your friend is going to need you to have her back. My spidey sense tells me if she has been dating via the internet for 3 years, and this is the first time she married someone she met via the internet her judgment is fairly sound. It isn’t wise to marry someone you only met face to face 3 weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. The spanking thing may have seriously limited Hazel’s dating pool. So, when she found someone who enjoyed it as much as she did, and she found him fun to be around, well then she jumped with both feet. It could work, stranger things have happened. But if it blows up in her face she needs her best friend for something besides saying “I told you so”.

You should send the guy an apology and an invitation. Say you’re sorry if you made him uncomfortable when you met him but ask if the four of you can let bygones be bygones and give it another shot for Hazel. Then the four of you should plan something fun that won’t require you to speak much for the first hour or so. Something like a comedy club maybe. Then you can get your: I’m-sitting-with-a-weirdo jitters out of your system while the comedian cracks jokes and the four of you try to get used to each other and have a good time. By the time the comedy act is over you should feel a little more comfortable, as should the new couple and perhaps the four of you can enjoy a drink and some small talk together. If you still feel he is a controlling ass after a few more outings, then by all means tell your best friend what you think and specifically why.