Men In Thongs

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess. I am hoping the title may attract some new readers.

Is it really bad for straight men to wear thongs? If women don’t like men in thongs, why do they go see them at strip clubs? I’m not “metrosexual”; I just like wearing a thong because it doesn’t bind around my thighs, bag up, or get all stretched out at the waist. Women wear men's boxers, what's the deal?

--Average Joe

Dear Average,

Yes it is really that bad, especially since you’re not a metrosexual. Nobody wants to see hairy, pimply, pasty ass cheeks on either side of candy apple red string. It makes it look like you are trying, really trying to be super sexy and failing miserably. The thong makes it look like you expect to end every night with a threesome. You’re an “Average Joe” though, so it appears you never get the three-way. Instead, you slink back to your mother’s basement by 11 every night and jerk off to skinomax.

I know they work for the dancers from ”Thunder Down Under” but not many straight guys shave their ass and have washboard abs. And really I’m going to let you in on a little secret; straight women don’t go to those places just to see the men in thongs. If that were the case they would go alone, not in groups of at least 7. And if you want to be all experimental about it go to one of those clubs and look at the women there. They give only fleeting glances to the dancers, and reserve most of their looking for each other, in a whoa-ladies-we-are-having-such-a-wild-time way. The promoters are also careful none of those dancers pop a boner. That makes the whole thing a little too serious for bachelorette parties. If you go to a gay club all the male strippers work to keep constant boners, cause that’s what the clientele come to see.

If thongs are really that much more comfortable for you the only way I can see you getting away with it is with a long term girlfriend. Someone who already knows you and you are established with before you bust out the t-back. Until then I suggest you go commando or try some underwear that you didn’t buy from the bargain bin at Odd Lots. Not the kind with so many to a pack, but the kind you buy separate from one another. It might make all the difference.