Fat, depressed fucking idiot

Dear Ask Sarah,

Last Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I broke up. He said I was a drunk and he was tired of me slurring and staggering around all the time. (Its not really true- I'm NOT drunk ALL the time and I only slur after 12 or so Bud Lights.) The last time we slept together I even woke up first. Anyway, the real problem is this. Last December I noticed that I was gaining weight. At first I thought it was just from the holidays and such, so I cut back on what I was eating and drank fewer beers each night. I lost a few pounds, but in January I started gaining weight again and no amount of working out, sit ups, etc has been able to help. I have a really big pot belly now and it just seems to keep getting bigger. This has me so depressed that I just keep drinking (but I've switched to vodka- fewer carbs) and I can't even begin to quit smoking with all the stress that I am under.

Then, on top of everything else, I realized a couple weeks ago when I went on the wagon for a couple days that I haven't had a period for at least the last 6 months. Strange. I tried looking on the internet to find out what disease would cause massive weight gain and stop someone's period, but I can't find anything. (The only thing I found was menopause, but I'm only 17 so I'm way too young for that).

Can you think of anything that could be causing this problem?

Signed,

Fat and Depressed

Dear Fat and Depressed,

I can’t believe someone so stupid has survived to semi-adulthood. What an idiot. Anyone can answer this question, it’s obvious. YOU’RE A MAN! If you would sober your drunk ass up, you would realize men don’t have periods. What a fucking idiot. I bet Abby never had to put up with this shit.

Sarah

Gettin' some at the Waffle House

Dear Ask Sarah,
I need your opinion on my situation. Some background: My boyfriend is kind, generous, loving and very well off financially. The biggest problem is that he is married (unhappily), but he is working on getting a divorce.
We met 2 years ago, and soon afterward he proposed that I get an apartment near his home so that we could get together whenever possible. I had a very good job,but he insisted that I quit so I could be available to him whenever he wanted. He was always very generous, and paid the rent and gave me ample spending money so I could always have attractive lingerie. Well, he left one year ago today to buy some condoms and never came back. He hasn't paid the rent for the last year so I've had to get a job at the Waffle House to make ends meet. I had to even go buy a new wardrobe because all I had in the closet was the lingerie.
He hasn't called so I am sure something horrible had to have happened, and I can't even try a ruse and call his wife to find out if he's ok (he never let me see where he lived because he was afraid his wife would see us). I tried looking him up in the phone book but he isn't listed. (You would think with a common name like John Doe there would be at least one, but no.)
My question to you is, when do you think it's ok to date again? One of the regular customers at the Waffle House has been asking me out, but I feel like I would be cheating on John in the event he comes back. I really need your advice fast, because the monster truck show is this weekend and I need to know what to do. (And of course the state fair is coming up, and I'm sure Jim Bob will want to take me there if we're still together.)
I feel terrible that I want to move on when John could be in real trouble out there,
but how long is a girl supposed to wait?
Thanks for your help,
Patience

Dear Patience,

All’s fair in love, war, and monster truck shows. I definitely think you should date Jim Bob. If John does sweep back into town (or get out of jail) play up indecision and you’ll have more stuff from the home shopping network than you know what to do with. My Aunt Clem always said “a girl’s gotta remember what side of the toast her bread is buttered on”.

I suggest you go with Jim Bob to the monster truck show AND the state fair. When your at the state fair point out the back end of a sheep and say “I gots me one of those” and you’ll be barefoot and pregnant in no time. Also maybe the state fair will force the sheep to wear underwear; I mean there are kids around for christ’s sake.

Sarah

So much for matchmaking

I emailed Buff to get some more specific details for my matchmaking project. Below is a copy of the email I received back:

Laughing MAO...so you have an internet gaydar that actually works!
Into who I am, who attracts me, and what my ideal mate would be. Good guessing on your part...yes, single gay woman but dating a guy right now (it's all about the positive, soulful, intellectual, responsible, individual), nonsmoker, Gemini or Sagg features, female 30-35, pharmer industry, who loves to laugh, loves to blogg, into extreme sports, and eat exotic foods.
Well, I live in the Bay Area, so I shouldn't have problems finding dates. But that wasn't my question. Besides my spelling, grammar, you say my question is boring. But let's go with your idea of matchmaking, which is much more entertaining. But I am in a relation right now and happy with it.

I forwarded the email to a friend of mine that used to be a codebreaker for the KGB. He didn't understand what the hell she was talking about either. I am convinced that if you understand the garble above you are Buff's soulmate (and I never use that word). In the event you are her soulmate email me and I will give your email address to Buff. That is assuming you don't mind her being in a "relation". Also, assuming you don't mind someone who is a bisexual in practice but a lesbian in ideology. Speaking of which, you may also email me if your a woman's studies student doing your thesis on complex sexual identity and want to use Buff as an example.
It is tempting to call Buff a bisexual or even a *gasp* hasbian. That whole "I fall for the individual" thing doesn't fly with me since I don't think I fall in love with genitals.
However, more pressing issues remain. Buff accused me of not addressing her problem. So here for the masses is the break down on break ups. Person A and person B like each other. Person A becomes disenchanted along the way. Person B still likes person A bunches. Person B really starts to get on person A's nerves. Person A either breaks up or becomes a total ass until person B breaks up. We've all been person A and we have all been person B. Sometimes details complicate this scenario. Details like good sex, bad breath, money, shared friends, and so on complicate the A/B scenario but it is all basically the same. If I had a secret to finding someone that you don't have to worry about a breakup with, I would be too rich to waste my time with a free blogg. Is that an answer? Was that even the question?

Sarah

Matchmaker game

I travel worldly Asia England Europe and Brazil. I eat exotic foods. I do extreme sports like scuba dive and snowboard. I spear fish and kayak. I am fairly sane, although I do love to blog.
I feed off of information to show my intellectual prowness. I discover new drugs to cure diseases.
My problem is I date and fall in love too deeply. I lower my standards and find out months and year later, we are not compatible. What is a girl gonna do?

Blogg Buff

Dear Blogg Buff

Hmmm, you date and fall in love too deeply only to lower your standards and realize you’re not compatible. I dare say you may be same sex oriented. I’m allowed to say this as I am a lesbian myself. Before everyone hides their daughters I should also mention I am happily involved.

Enough about me, this is about your problem. This advice is boring and I racked my brain to try and think of something more entertaining to no avail. Basically all you can do is wait. It sounds as though you are keeping yourself entertained and have already worked out that whole you-have-to-be-happy-with-yourself-before-you-can-be-happy-with-someone-else thing. If my internet gaydar is correct your dating pool is smaller than most and that makes things more difficult but not impossible. All it takes is meeting people and time.

Oh yeah, one more thing, for being so intellectual you misspelled prowess. I need to add a second thing, your grammar is atrocious.

Now I feel bad, after all I said I was going to show more humility. Tell you what; I am going to help you find some dates. Write me and tell me what city/state you live in and I will post it along with other matchmaking information on this site. By the way, you better tell me for sure if you are into girls or guys. For now if anyone is looking for a single gay (?) non-smoking (?) Gemini (?) female 26 years young (?) in the pharmaceutical industry who likes to laugh, loves to blogg, into extreme sports, and exotic food write and let me know.
A side note, I realize I could have emailed Blogg Buff back and verified this information but it’s more fun to guess, and then post a correction.

Sarah