Grace, Meet Will

This question came from "Ask the Advice Goddess"

For two years, I've been desperately in love with my best guy friend. He and I dated last year, but broke up for reasons still unclear to me. Actually, our relationship wasn't much of one; he'd hold my hand or hug me if I MADE him, but it never got further than that. Still, we went everywhere together, and he paid for dates, and otherwise behaved as if we were in a relationship. This confused me, and when I asked him about it, he broke up with me. Six weeks later, we're friends again. He spends most of his time with me, and always shows up at my door unexpected. Yet, if anyone asks him whether we're back together, he'll defensively bark "No!" On some days, he won't have anything to do with me. He's said he just isn't interested in girls (or guys...in case you were wondering). Well, no one makes me feel the way he does. I'm afraid if I bring up his odd behavior, I'll lose his friendship. Why does he treat me like a girlfriend one minute and a stranger the next?

--Friendly Fire

Because he’s gay. Sorry to break it to you. He enjoys your company, doesn’t mind treating you when you are out, and shows up unannounced to hang out, but doesn’t try to bone you. That is platonic friend stuff not boyfriend stuff. The fact that you look at him all googly eyed is probably flattering but nothing beyond that.

I’m sure he is aware of your feelings. He thinks you are fun to be around and hangs out despite your puppy love not because of it. In a way I bet that you like him even more since you can’t have him. This is the beginning story to the classic fag/fag hag duo.

He has made it pretty clear what he wants from you. Friendship, only friendship, absolutely nothing more than friendship. Now you just have to decide if you want the same thing. Don’t hang onto the friendship because you are hoping it will turn into a relationship. The only way this could turn into a relationship is if he introduces you to someone else.

Hollywood loves to boil down the coming out story to “ok I’m gay, now I’m happy, and everyone knows.” Not surprisingly, things don’t really work like that. My prediction on your friends coming out story is this: stage one; all his friends know, but most are too polite to say anything. Stage two: he knows himself. Stage three: he starts telling people. The stages may take years, or they may all happen in the span of a week. You two sound like you already have a more than decent friendship; but, if you can’t think of the guy as just a friend don't torture yourself. Tell him you don’t want to hang out anymore.

Even Hitler Was Great Until The Fourth Month

This letter came from “Ask the Advice Goddess”

I was planning a spa weekend with my girlfriends, and my boyfriend of four months wanted to come. I offered to plan a romantic spa getaway for just us, but he insisted I not go to the trouble; he’d simply join my girlfriends and me. I explained it was an all-girls weekend, and girls talk about different things when guys aren’t around. He just lost it. He said there shouldn't be anything I tell the girls that I couldn't tell him. He accused me of not trusting him, broke down sobbing, and stormed out. He hasn’t returned my calls since. I think he’s being ridiculous, but he’s been fantastic until now, and I don't want to lose him.

-Exfoliated

Exfoliated:

Your boyfriend wants to hang out with you and your girlfriends... in a spa? That is just plain weird even in these metrosexual times. There are only a few possible explanations. The most likely being; he is a possessive asshole who can’t stand the thought of you having fun without him.

But you’ve been together four whole months and things have been all puppydogs and sunshine. Four months isn’t very long. Granted it’s past the “well at least this person isn’t a serial killer stage (month one), but months 2-6 are when you find out all the weird stuff. It’s the stage where you start pooping at each other’s place (see earlier article on exactly when that is ok here), share embarrassing secrets ranging from a beanie baby collection to that time you had crabs, notice weird hairy moles, and find out about emotional baggage.

This guy has baggage in spades. When you made it clear you wanted to go on this trip with just your girlfriends he freaked out, went manipulative, and slammed some doors. Your right, he is being ridiculous. He has given you a pretty clear choice; if you still want to be with him, you have to give up all fun with anyone other than him. Let him go, he has a screwed up sense of what a relationship should be and you can’t change his mind. Your not that seriously invested after four months. Better to find out now than a few more months down the line.

Swatty McSwattersons

Thanks once again to Dear Abby

Last night I saw my brother-in-law hit my 1-year-old niece. It was horrible. I confronted him, and he and my sister are going to get counseling. He says he "made a mistake," but that he also believes it is "OK to swat a child."

I am so upset. I used to think the world of my brother-in-law, but now he seems like an ignorant bully to me. I am hoping he will learn better parenting, and that everything will turn out all right. I'm around a lot, and the children are seldom alone with him. What can I do while I wait to see if counseling is effective? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA

Concerned,

Let your sister know you are there for her. Tell her if she is willing to forgive him as long as he goes to counseling then so are you. Also mention that if things don’t work out or if she worries for her child’s safety then they are all welcome at your place.

If you still feel raw about it poetic justice is only twenty bucks and a crack head away.

Educational Hypocrisy

This letter came from Dear Abby.

I teach and advise first-year students at a college, and one of the most critical problems students have is sleeping through class because they haven't learned to get themselves up in the morning.

Last week, a sophomore student missed a math class at 8 a.m. because her father failed to call her that morning and get her out of bed.

PLEASE advise parents to buy an alarm clock for their children, starting in sixth grade, and make them learn to get themselves out of bed, even if it means suffering the consequences once or twice for being late. Daddy's not going to make that wake-up call forever, and Mom shouldn't have to serve as the alarm clock for kids over 12 years of age. We'd appreciate students who can at least do that much for themselves -- and I'm sure their future employers would too. -- FRUSTRATED ADVISER IN THE U.S.A.

Frustrated,

I can’t believe you bought that crap. College students miss classes at 8 AM all the time for no other reason than they would rather be sleeping. What do they tell their fretful advisors who won’t let them make their own mistakes? You can’t expect them to say “uh, our test isn’t for 3 weeks so I would rather sleep”. That would be rude. You can’t expect them to say “I screwed up”. You are giving them a somewhat subjective grade; the student doesn’t want the teacher to think they are a screw up. The only thing left is to blame someone else.

Instead of letting them miss a few classes and figure out exactly how much they need to go to class to get the grade that they want, you follow them around bitching, just like their parents would. Then you blame the parents for not making their kids independent enough. You are actually perpetuating the cycle by following students around fretting. Leave the students alone, get a cat or something.