Freudian Nightmare

This advice letter came from dear Margo.

I recently moved in with a wonderful friend I have known for several years. He's everything I have ever wanted in a mate, but he was in a very serious long-term relationship. However, two months ago, he and his girlfriend of 13 years split up. Here's where it gets sticky: I am 23, he is 40, and his ex of 13 years was my mother. The problem is, when she left, I moved into the house (separate bedrooms) to help with expenses. Now that I am living 24/7 with this man, I see the reality that I love him.

We threw a huge New Year's Eve party, and I ended up kissing him at midnight. Since it was, ahem, more than a little peck, I feel reasonably safe in assuming that he must have some kind of interest in return. I know it all sounds like some scene from a soap opera, but here I sit with my predicament.

We never had a father/daughter type of relationship, I never called him anything other than his first name, and it always felt like a good friendship. Please know that my mother was not a big part of my life until about six years ago, as I was raised by my grandparents.

Am I a fool for wanting to try to make a relationship out of this? I do not want to be the rebound girl. -- SICK AT HEART IN DENVER

Dear Sick

You act like your feelings for him are despite your mom and him having been together for 13 years but I suspect your feelings are there because of the relationship both of you have with your mom. Maybe the guy gave you some stability, and when your mom left you thought to yourself "what a decent guy, how could she leave him" then it snowballed into an attraction. Maybe it’s all because you’re pissed at your mom and your way of getting back at her is to fuck her boyfriend. After all you moved in just as soon as she moved out. That doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me. Most likely you feel a sort of kinship with him.

The subconscious is subtle kids, follow along here. It’s not like you set out to fuck your mom’s boyfriend. That would be gross. Instead it feels like a huge turn on to fuck this guy… who just happens to be your (negligent) mom’s ex boyfriend… of 13 years… that you just happened to move in with… you know, to help out with expenses… after your mom abandoned him…just like she abandoned you…even though the guy is 40 and presumably able to take care of himself.

My point is it is impossible for you to untangle the feelings you have for your mother, the feelings you have for him as a stepfather, and the attraction you feel now. The situation; at best, leaves you open to all kinds of manipulation. Just as any incest situation would. Yes, you did think of him as a stepfather whether you realize it or not. You were 10 when they got together. You were probably 13 or so before you had a solid relationship with him. That was more a father/daughter relationship than a friendship, even though you called him by his first name and lived with your grandparents.

My advice is for you to move out of his place and to put this all behind you, the sooner the better. Your mom sounds pretty fucked up, don’t follow in her footsteps.

How To Ditch A Stalker

This letter came from Dear Prudence who couldn't advise her way out of a paper bag.

I am a female in my mid-20s. I moved home with my parents after finishing my degree in order to work and save for graduate school. We live next door to a single mom with eight children. She home-schools her children, with the result that the children are not very well socialized. Her eldest son is 18 year old and wanders around the neighborhood on his bicycle in various military uniforms. When asked, he claims he is in basic training for the Army, and that he is going to be a sniper. But since when does the Army allow you to do basic training at home? He has some developmental problems, few social skills (and no friends), and I fear he's delusional. The problem is this: He's decided he likes me and will wait in front of our house for me to get home. He's asked to come into our house several times, just to see the inside of the house. Needless to say, I have not let him in. Today when I went home for lunch he came around the side of the house without me seeing or hearing him until he spoke to me, and he was within a foot of me. He's young, strong, and taller than I am. I'm terrified that he's going to decide I should be his "girlfriend" and become violent when I refuse. I've seen him attack our dogs with water guns and stalk his own brothers and sisters with fake rifles from the roof of his house. I'm undecided as to what I should do. My father believes the kid is harmless, which is easy for him to say; he's not the one being followed around. My mom is as nervous as I am about him. I'd like to live to see graduate school. I'm honestly afraid that this person could become violent and hurt me, or worse. Should I talk to his mother, or take out a restraining order out against him? I'd like to resolve this in a way that won't result in war with the neighbors, but I do not want this person anywhere near me.

—Running Scared

Dear Running:

Just to end an argument between your parents the kid is nuts. Your dad is just thinking of all the stupid stuff he did to get girls attention when he was 18. He thinks this kid is just doing the same thing, and your dad thinks since he was harmless that this kid must be harmless as well. What your father doesn’t realize is that this kid is not taking your hints to back off.

If you want your kid to be a nut, be sure to home school them. Not that all kids in public or private schools are sane, but they do have a better chance at seeing how others live. It’s a way to escape the crazy of our parents and create a crazy all our own. Kids who are home schooled think their parent’s idiosyncrasies are normal, so it’s a crazy double whammy.

You are in a difficult situation. Luckily for you the crazies all seem to like me too, so I have some good advice. Don’t bother with a restraining order. Assuming you could even get one granted (of which I doubt) it may just add fuel to the fire. Stalkers tend to like any sort of attention they can get. Negative attention works just as well as positive attention. Your new goal is to give this guy no attention. If you see him try not to act scared or even concerned, a stalker will turn things like that around in his head until you were nervous to be talking to him because of your overwhelming attraction towards him. Similarly, if you give him negative attention; for example, spraying him with mace, he will turn it around in his head until he thinks you are smitten with him but aliens are forcing you to push him away for his own good or something. When he waits for you to get home from work put your cell phone to your ear and walk on by talking your head off. If he is in your way say excuse me and brush past.

The rest of this is going to put a cramp in your style but it’s probably worth it in the long run. Take a peek outside before you go out and look for the little weirdo doing water gun patrol or whatever before you go out the door. Don’t spend time in the yard, or outside around the neighborhood if you can help it. If you’re into jogging or something make sure to wear a set of headphones even if they don’t work to give yourself an excuse to ignore the little freak. When you go to hang out with your friends make sure your mom knows about when you expect to be home. I know you aren’t a teenager anymore but it makes sense that you keep someone in your house updated on things like that for your own peace of mind as well as your mom’s. If the creepy little fucker sneaks up on you as soon as you go out the door try not to act scared or concerned. Don’t even look at him until he says hi then just say hi back and find an excuse to leave. Whenever he tries to engage you in a conversation say you’re busy and keep going the way you were. If he does make an actual threat you’ve got your restraining order but hopefully you won’t need it. I doubt a restraining order would work any better than saying “stay away from me you creepy fuck” but it is prosecutable if it is broken. It’s hard to tell how long he’ll spend pining. Most eighteen year olds don’t have much in the way of an attention span, so that’s good news for you. The worst case scenario is you have to ride this out until graduate school starts, but I doubt it will continue on that long.

Attraction Is Shallow

Both of these questions came from "dear Prudence".

My boyfriend and I have been together for just about two months. He is kind, generous, caring, thoughtful, successful, a fabulous lover ... everything I could want in a man! However, I'm having a bit of an issue with his appearance—specifically, his back. The hair, the pimples—I'm close to repulsed when I see it! I don't want to hurt this man and this is not something to end this relationship over, but I don't know what to do!

—Feeling Superficial and Shallow

Dear Feeling #1 (you’ll get that in a minute)

Most straight guys are physically more attractive when they have a girlfriend. The girlfriend and sex in general is one of the major motivators for guys to give more of a shit about their appearance. You’re not asking much, its all in the way you ask it.

It’s actually pretty easy. Tell him that you are into backs and that it would really turn you on if he kept his back waxed and scrubbed. Make it more into a kinky dare, maybe even offer to shave your cooter or something similar. If he equates trying to keep his back pimple and hair free with mind-blowing sex you should have no problems.

I am a man in my late 40s, new to the dating scene after a divorce, and I have begun seeing a wonderful, sexy, accomplished woman. There's only one problem: A number of years ago she had breast cancer and went through a bilateral mastectomy. She had restorative surgery, and while the surgery was a major success for her self-image, it has left one breast, well, dented, with a crease in it. She is a heroic woman who has done wonderful things for women's health care over the years, and her sex drive and emotional energy are equal to and surpass that of many women I have known. But the misshaped breast has a way of, uh, lowering my libido. Is this selfish and narcissistic of me? Absolutely. I guess I need a woman to carefully and prudentially tell me how I might cope with this—I mean, in an inner way. Is there a "mantra" that will help me remain focused on all the good, sweet, transcendent stuff that is in her, and not on the pinup expectations that I, along with most men, still have?

—Feeling Like a Boob

Dear Feeling #2 (get it now?)

As a woman I have to admit when I first read your letter I wanted to smack you. Then I reread it and you seem to really respect and care for this woman. You’re trying to change what turns you on and off to make this woman the total package. Sorry, that’s not possible.

The advice I gave to Feeling#1 won’t work in this case. You can’t ask your girlfriend to go to a plastic surgeon and get the dented breast fixed. One problem is surgery is quite something to put your body through, way more than the possibility of a wax allergy or itching that Feeling#1’s boyfriend may have to endure. Another problem is your girlfriend really went through something to get that dented breast. She survived cancer, and bounced back to have the emotional energy and sex drive you find so endearing. She may be proud of her dented breast and look at it as a daily reminder of what she has overcome.

All that being said you have only one choice, break things off with her. This is a deal breaker for you, even if you don’t necessarily want it to be. Had the two of you invested marrage and years together it may make for a different story, but the two of you are just dating. If you’re feeling guilty think of it like this: she deserves a guy who will be hot for her dented breast and all, and you deserve to be hot for the woman you are with as well so it just makes the two of you incompatible. Eventually I think you’ll find a nice woman with nice breasts and she’ll find a guy who is an ass man.