Oedipus Three-Way

This came from “Ask Val” of the Columbus Alive.

Dear Val,

I went on a first date with this guy. So I show up for lunch at this restaurant hoping all goes well. I get to the table and his mother is there. Yes, his mother!

It was her birthday and he wanted to take her to lunch too. So I meet his mom and have to sit through the meal with both of them.

I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Now he wants to go out again. Do I give him another shot?

—Meeting Mom on First Date

Dear Meeting,

There is a reason this never happened on Sex and the City. Why would you blindly say yes to a second date? For all you know he’ll bring grandma around for the next one. Dating is a learning experience, and this guy needs to be taught a lesson. You’re under no obligation to spell it out for him, you could just say no to the second date. Unless of course you really, really like him and you’re under 20.

A second date would be about as wise as bringing your mother on the first date; but let’s face it, young people are horny and they do stuff like that. We’ve all been there, so I want to focus on “Meeting” not making a total doormat of herself.

If you really, really like him the best thing to do is give him a hard time about bringing his mom on your first date. When he asks you out say something like “I dunno, are ya gonna bring grandma this time?” then give a little laugh. If he replies (in similarly horrible diction) “What?! Ya got a problem with my moms?!” Then you should get the hell away from the guy, it’s never going to get better, lepers without genitals date with higher standards. But, if he replies with a sheepish laugh and an apology/excuse, you have my permission to go ahead and give the guy another chance. What the hell, it’s the holiday season.

Liberal Rebellion

I’m so excited! My first letter from internet land since a guy from Chennai, India emailed me something last March. Granted, it is from a pre-license teenager via my “myspace” account; but, I’m in no position to be snooty about it.

Dear Ms. Sarah-

I'm a 15 yo who just came out to my parents. They're ok with it, and even worse, they *like* my girlfriend! I have three more years of teenagerhood and nothing to angst over. Do you have any advice on how I can turn my life into Lifetime movie material?

Dear –

In my day, if your average white suburban teen wanted to piss off her parents she would date a black guy. I guess that means going lezzie is the date-a-black-guy of the new millennium.

Let’s pause for a moment and appreciate the progress that we’ve made.

Now we can move on to the drama. Your parents seem like liberal progressive types. That makes the biggest stitch in their side George W Bush. Let’s exploit that, shall we? You are going to have to start out slow. Buy Mary Cheney’s new book. Don’t make a big deal about it just buy it and make sure your mom sees it on your bedside table. Those poor unsuspecting parents will think you are just supporting your new peeps. Next, ask your local republican party to mail you some pamphlets. Practice working words like “terror”, and my personal favorite “evil-doer” into your everyday vocabulary. After you have gotten a few quizzical looks you can “accidentally” get caught listening to Rush Limbaugh in your room. Whenever you are craving parental confrontation there are many starters. For example you could mutter “damn liberal media” when the news is on, or make your own “teach creationism in school” petition and ask them to sign. Enjoy your rebellion!

Dear Abby: You Stink

There hasn’t been much in the way of entertaining questions (or answers) from Dear Abby lately. Most of the things can be summed up in a few sentences… sarcastically. Here’s to Dear Abby sucking.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman girl who is dating a junior guy I adore. I can talk to him about anything, and he's always there for me no matter what. We've been dating for seven months.

He is always telling me that we're going to be together forever, and I agree. But now that I start thinking about it, I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't want to say it because I don't want to hurt him. But I'm afraid if I keep leading him on that he'll only get stronger feelings.

How should I tell him this? I am so young, and there are so many other fish in the sea. All my friends keep telling me I can do better, but I just feel stuck and don't know what to do. You can't force yourself into loving someone, can you?

Please answer back as soon as possible, and tell your readers not to get too serious in a relationship unless you are 110 percent positive that he or she is "the one," or you'll end up in too big of a mess to handle. -- DISTRESSED DAMSEL IN THE MIDWEST

Dear Distressed,

You can say forever, it doesn’t count until you are too old to say things like that anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I am a newly single young woman just coming out of a marriage. I was recently dining alone in a local restaurant when I was sent a drink from a patron at the bar. This had never happened to me before.

Although I was flattered, I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. I wasn't interested in the gentleman sending the drink, and thus felt bad about accepting his kind gesture. What is the proper thing to do and say in this situation? -- NEWLY SINGLE IN THE SOUTH

Dear Newly,

It was just a drink; he can’t expect more than a quick boob flash. You don’t have to fuck him unless he buys you a nice dinner (we are talking surf and turf here ladies).

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 30 years. Over the last couple of years, she has been going to weddings, etc. by herself, vs. our going as a couple as before. Her excuse is that they are "her" friends, and only she was invited.

I think this is unusual, and it seems like they are occasions when couples should attend. Am I wrong in feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN CINCINNATI

Dear Left Out,

You must be really annoying to go to weddings with. You either drink too much, bitch through the whole thing, or you’re a shitty dancer. Ask your wife which it is.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in four months. It's the moment I have dreamed of for the last three years. However, the priest who is supposed to conduct our service has made rude remarks -- such as our marriage "won't last."

Abby, I am very uncomfortable about being married by a person who doesn't believe in our marriage. But if we are married by another officiate, then it won't be accepted by his family. What should I do? -- IN LOVE IN KANSAS

Dear In Love,

If he chose a life of celibacy he is humiliated by his sexual urges, be they of the homosexual, child molesting, or necrotic variety. Either way you should cut him some slack, chances are he hasn’t been laid in a really long time.

A Little Advice For A Little Tyke

This came from Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY: There's a boy in my class I have known since I was 2. He's a great athlete, but is a tad bit full of himself. He is always playing mean pranks on me and hitting me up for money, and if I don't give him money he hits me.

I ask him to stop, but he still does it. Abby, what do you think I should do? -- 11 AND FRUSTRATED

Dear 11,

Kick him in the nuts.

Save The Bikini Clad Cheerleader Save The World

This came from Dear Margo

DEAR MARGO: My husband and I are having a dispute. There is an NFL cheerleader who works in his office. I met her once at a company Christmas party, and she was quite rude to me.

Between that and comments made by my husband and some co-workers wondering how she got a nice office with very little actual work to do, I don't like her.

Every year, she sells signed team cheerleader calendars (girls in bikinis, or less). My husband bought one last year, and it was on the wall for only five minutes before I took it down. I do not want it hanging in my house, especially since he knows her.

Now he's bought another calendar for 2007. He says "guys think those things are cool" and it "earns him man points." Am I being too sensitive, or is he being a pig? -- Frustrated in Virginia

Dear Frustrated,

There are two issues that you can’t reasonably be mad about. They are: how hot this cheerleader is, and that your husband looks at other women (including said cheerleader). Women sometimes get a weird jealousy/envy thing with other very attractive women. Yes, very attractive women (and men, although to a lesser degree) have advantages the rest of us do not. There are also advantages to being intelligent, athletic, or talented but nobody bitches when someone takes advantage of those traits. In fact, they are often more upset when those gifts are not used to their full potential. Why should attractiveness be any different?

Yes, your husband does look at her. Given that he doubts the integrity (or even the reality) of her work you should take comfort in the fact that while he is looking at her he still doesn’t seem to think a whole lot of her. There is no need for you to feel threatened. That being said, there is no reason for him to fling bikini calendars in your face either.

In short, you are being a little too sensitive and he is being a little bit of a pig. I think a fair compromise would be for him to hang his calendar in an area where you rarely, if ever go. Tell him if you regularly stumble upon it (without snooping) then you have the right to draw little armpit hairs, black eyes, navy tattoos, or beer guts on the bikini clad cheerleaders.