And you thought Clinton was kinky

Dear Sarah,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few months now and the sex has

been fantastic.  He has been slowly raising the "kink" factor in the

bedroom and things are getting really hot.  Now he wants to bring a

video camera into the mix.  I'm uncomfortable with this but I don't

want to disappoint him.  What if he shows his friends or it ends up on

the Internet?

Any help?

Adventurous but Shy

Dear Adventurous

     I am all about anonymous advice but your true identity is quite tempting.  
I can see why someone in politics would not be fond of video taping an
illicit homosexual affair.  I’m glad to see it isn’t just the democrats being
dirty birdies.

   I think that democrats have more balls though.  I don’t just say that
because of all the homemade democrat porn lying around.  Video taping
can be sooo low risk that there is a greater chance of you discovering
unwanted hair thanthe tape ending up in the wrong hands.  There are tons
of options.  One option is you keep the tape, and you make the tape in
your own room/motel/oval office, that way you can be assured that the only
tape made is the one youmade yourself and it is in your possession.  If
you’re still paranoid you could wear a ski mask, motorcycle helmet,
werewolf mask, paper mache, whatever be creative!  If there are identifying
birthmarks or tattoos it doesn’t really matter because of the power of denial. 
Photos can be doctored; the internet is a playground of people splicing
together different faces onto acts that should be reserved for those who are
married, under the covers, and even then only on Friday nights.  In short just
lie, it worked for WMDs it can work for homemade porn.  

   I cannot stress the negligable risk enough.  Tommy Lee and Pamela
Anderson might disagree but if you ask me (and that is what this site is about)
they wanted a video tape of them having sex to get out.  I am surprised it took
as long as it did.

Zongs, and titties, and breasts, oh my!

Dear Sarah,

I am thinking about getting boobie-enlarging surgery.  How big do you think I
should go?

I am 5'1" tall, weigh 185lbs. and am currently a 42AA. Also, when I place
my personal ad at an online dating website, should I mention it?  Or just let
them think they are real?

What do you think?

Thanks,

Enid
Vancouver

Dear Enid,

Here is a rough boobie guide:

AA- Nipples

A-  titty wanna-bes

B-  Titties

C-  Breasts or Le Breasts if your French (C is where they get all civilized and up-ity)

D-  Jugs

DD- Zooooongs

With your body type I am going to suggest Jugs.  You don’t need to mention where
they came from in the ad, or any other time for that matter.  If they can be felt they
are real!

Sarah  

Who wants a 3-way

I am dating a man who really knows what I like. However, he has recently asked me to try having a threesome. I am ok with doing it but I don't know anything about finding the third. Should I try and ask a friend or go to a bar and look for a girl? And how do I bring the subject up?

Horny but Unsure

The pros of having a friend participate in a threesome: you know what they look like, and you are relatively sure they aren’t a thief or an axe murderer. Now the cons: your friend will only participate if she is into your boyfriend or you. That makes friendships, relationships and all ships in general iffy. Under most circumstances women only participate in sex acts if there is some sort of relationship involved. Let’s say for the sake of argument a guy and a girl are fuck buddies. He tells his friends “it’s cool we are just fuck buddies”. She tells her friends “I am screwing Joey, I can’t wait until Chandler finds out”, or “we are just having sex right now but I can tell he really likes me”. As a people, women are much less able to separate sex from emotional stuff (not necessarily love). I accept that there may be exceptions to this rule but they are just that, exceptions. For whatever reason (people argue incessantly about why) women rarely if ever have no strings attached sex for the sake of having no strings attached sex. That’s why the porn industry is directed towards men, they are the porn market. Women may pick something up for a bacholerette party (can anyone say penis water-gun?), but they don’t regularly spend money on porn.

If you need a third and you want a woman to be that third you have your work cut out for you. I wouldn’t suggest a friend because of all the ship business I mentioned before. I am going to ask you to NOT go to a lesbian bar, please, as a personal favor to me. I can tell you we have all been asked before. If there is a lesbian or bisexual who likes to have threesomes with a man/woman couple I’m sure she has a waitlist longer than your lifespan. You just have to ask yourself what is in it for this third person. If the answer is one time anonymous sex then, you probably won’t find any woman willing to do that. I have two suggestions that I’m certain will work. The first is a prostitute. What is in it for her? Money, and it’s her job, easy peasy. Option #2 is find another woman who wants to please her man with a three-way and you scratch her muffin (while her husband watches) and she scratches yours (this time while your boyfriend watches).

Broaching the subject with a prostitute would be easier than slicing bread. Finding a prostitute may be harder. I suggest calling all those “escort” girls in the yellow pages and asking if they would “escort” you and your boyfriend at the same time. There is no way they are all legit. If you’re too cheap to pay a professional then an online personal add is the way to go. Be sure to mention you are willing to be a third for another couple and hope to god your parents aren’t into that sort of thing.

Good luck

Poop poll

Dear Sarah,

How long do I have to be dating someone before I'm allowed to poop in their bathroom?
Holly
Oklahoma City

Dear Holly,

What a great question. I am very pro-poop. If it were a political party my vote would go there every time. I do love a good poop story and I really think you can tell a lot about a person by their relationship with their bowels.

Because of my pro-poo position I decided it might be best to get multiple opinions on this and take a poll. My friends brought up some interesting points, many of which I hadn’t thought of. Yes it does depend on how bad you have to go. None of us want to be remembered as the one who stank up the love den; but, that’s better than being remembered as the one who shit their pants in said love den. That’s not just good advice, its common sense.

My friend Larry thinks girls would generally wait longer to drop the deuce than boys. I tend to agree. Let that be a lesson to us ladies, take a dump for feminism. Another friend, Jon says to wait a month. Keep in mind this is the friend my family refers to as “you know, the one who stinks up the bathroom”. That’s sad considering he has only met them a handful of times. Rob has weighed in saying “never……nothing kills romance like the thought of digestion”. Rob has never shit in my bathroom to my knowledge, so it makes sense he would be hesitant to do so in the bathroom of a lover. Betsy has said she wouldn’t stick around if someone was easily offended by bodily functions. She was the only one of my female friends to respond to my little survey. This could be evidence for what I now think of as “Larry’s Theory”, and may put a dent into the number of picnics I am invited to this summer. Thanks to all those who responded, it’s been informative.

Now for my official advice, wait until after you’ve had sex (more than once of course don’t be THAT person) but before you are seriously emotionally invested. In my experience that happens a little before month 2 of dating. Depending on whom the reader is I now sound like either a big slut or a big prude. Instead of a time frame how about we think of it as a marker in the relationship. If you are staying the whole weekend at the home of your amour and haven’t shit there yet, drink some Metamucil, grab a magazine and get to pushing, its time. If your girlfriend/boyfriend leaves you to sleep in while they go to work or an appointment that means they EXPECT you to shit while they are gone. It would be a slap in the face not to. Now, the Glade/Lysol thing, don’t do it. The canned scents do not negate the smell of all things lower intestine. It just smells like someone shit a summer’s breeze which is; in a lot of ways, worse than smelling shit itself. It takes a lot longer for the smell to clear as well.

I hope this has been helpful and look forward to any comments.

Sarah