Raining On The Wedding Parade

This is another question that came from Dear Abby, judging by her answer she has some straight guilt to work through too.

I am being married this summer to my fiancée of five years, "Beth." I had always assumed that my brother, "Mike," who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should "get over it," and he needs to accept that it's just "the way things are in the world."

As hurt as I am, I can't hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a "reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights" as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

Dear Disappointed,

Tell Mike to quit being such a fucking drama queen. After all, he is pissed off that he can’t legally marry, not that others can. Yeah gay people can’t get married and it’s wrong and unfair, but his boycott isn’t going to help matters. A penny lesson in activism; boycotts are for corporations, where you pay for a service, or product. That is where boycotts are effective. Stuff like weddings, well that’s where visibility and charm are effective.

Give that argument to your brother. Tell him to bring a male date, enjoy the free food and dance the night away. That’s going to do more for gay rights than a boycott.

You are a very supportive brother, hats off to ya. Since you are so supportive perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to add donations to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC, you know all those blue and yellow equal sign bumber stickers) to your gift registry. It’s an organization that lobbies for gay marriage rights in the US. Your brother would love the idea and it might alleviate some of your straight white guilt.

In Defense of Spanking

This one came from Dear Abby:

Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!

When I met him in person, every alarm God ever gave me as a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking her after knowing me for less than 10 minutes.

Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.

However, I am concerned for my friend. I'm afraid he may abuse her. I don't want to associate with him, but I don't want to lose Hazel. Can this relationship be salvaged? -- SHOCKED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

Dear Shocked,

I’ve got some news for you; you and your husband already associate with someone who “openly practiced deviant behavior” namely your best friend. She answered an internet ad asking for women who enjoy being spanked. That means she was at very least curious about being spanked, and in all likelihood has probably tried it before this new guy.

When two women are best friends for 15 years certain things are assumed. One of which is that they can talk about their sex lives. She confided something about her sex life that made you uncomfortable. Then this snow ball of awkwardness was created. Hazel became uncomfortable, probably even more uncomfortable than you. Who wants to think they grossed out their best friend? Then new guy became even more uncomfortable than Hazel. He knows that you blame him for this deviant behavior, and that you think if he just goes away, so will your friend’s love of being spanked. After all, you would rather discover you have a tapeworm than actually think the guy is a gem. The new guy then slipped into a self destructive let’s-freak-the-squares mentality as a defense mechanism. That’s his way of trying to get you, your conservative husband, and your weird stares out of his social circle.

There is a chance he is a creep, but given the circumstances he acted as almost anyone in his situation would. If you care about your friend you should give the guy a fair chance. If he turns out to be a controlling ass your friend is going to need you to have her back. My spidey sense tells me if she has been dating via the internet for 3 years, and this is the first time she married someone she met via the internet her judgment is fairly sound. It isn’t wise to marry someone you only met face to face 3 weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. The spanking thing may have seriously limited Hazel’s dating pool. So, when she found someone who enjoyed it as much as she did, and she found him fun to be around, well then she jumped with both feet. It could work, stranger things have happened. But if it blows up in her face she needs her best friend for something besides saying “I told you so”.

You should send the guy an apology and an invitation. Say you’re sorry if you made him uncomfortable when you met him but ask if the four of you can let bygones be bygones and give it another shot for Hazel. Then the four of you should plan something fun that won’t require you to speak much for the first hour or so. Something like a comedy club maybe. Then you can get your: I’m-sitting-with-a-weirdo jitters out of your system while the comedian cracks jokes and the four of you try to get used to each other and have a good time. By the time the comedy act is over you should feel a little more comfortable, as should the new couple and perhaps the four of you can enjoy a drink and some small talk together. If you still feel he is a controlling ass after a few more outings, then by all means tell your best friend what you think and specifically why.

Men In Thongs

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess. I am hoping the title may attract some new readers.

Is it really bad for straight men to wear thongs? If women don’t like men in thongs, why do they go see them at strip clubs? I’m not “metrosexual”; I just like wearing a thong because it doesn’t bind around my thighs, bag up, or get all stretched out at the waist. Women wear men's boxers, what's the deal?

--Average Joe

Dear Average,

Yes it is really that bad, especially since you’re not a metrosexual. Nobody wants to see hairy, pimply, pasty ass cheeks on either side of candy apple red string. It makes it look like you are trying, really trying to be super sexy and failing miserably. The thong makes it look like you expect to end every night with a threesome. You’re an “Average Joe” though, so it appears you never get the three-way. Instead, you slink back to your mother’s basement by 11 every night and jerk off to skinomax.

I know they work for the dancers from ”Thunder Down Under” but not many straight guys shave their ass and have washboard abs. And really I’m going to let you in on a little secret; straight women don’t go to those places just to see the men in thongs. If that were the case they would go alone, not in groups of at least 7. And if you want to be all experimental about it go to one of those clubs and look at the women there. They give only fleeting glances to the dancers, and reserve most of their looking for each other, in a whoa-ladies-we-are-having-such-a-wild-time way. The promoters are also careful none of those dancers pop a boner. That makes the whole thing a little too serious for bachelorette parties. If you go to a gay club all the male strippers work to keep constant boners, cause that’s what the clientele come to see.

If thongs are really that much more comfortable for you the only way I can see you getting away with it is with a long term girlfriend. Someone who already knows you and you are established with before you bust out the t-back. Until then I suggest you go commando or try some underwear that you didn’t buy from the bargain bin at Odd Lots. Not the kind with so many to a pack, but the kind you buy separate from one another. It might make all the difference.

For Wolverine And Gay Pride Month

Dear Abby just gave me a good one.

I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think?

-- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

Dear Grandmother,

He isn’t circumcised? Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, why don’t you just give him the complete Barbara Streisand collection and a rainbow flag?!

If he’s 15 it’s defiantly too late. The only thing you can do is get him a sex change operation. Then he’ll technically be a straight woman with better than average home décor abilities.

OK serious advice time. First I want you to go watch one of the new fangled Xmen movies (III is the most obvious but they will all serve the same purpose). Don’t read the rest until after you watch the movie. Have you seen it? Well, at least promise to rent one of the damn things. OK now follow me here, every time they say the word mutant I want you to mentally replace it with the word homo. It really is a thinly disguised farce. Think about it some mutants (homos) are very obvious, they have blue skin (flaming fem for boys, diesel butch for girls) and some are more subtle, they look like everyone else (not too butch or fem) but still have special powers (queer as a three dollar bill). Also their mutant-(homo) ness doesn’t become apparent until puberty.

In the movies you are rooting for the mutant (homo) hero, after all they are born the way they are, and just like everyone they go through life trying to overcome obstacles and be happy. Of course there are good mutants (homos) and bad ones, but that goes for any group. If you actually watched the movie first this may give you some perspective.

Second step; get your ass to Pflagg or some other organization that can explain things to you. I am discouraging you from talking to your grandson. Even if he has come to terms with himself he is still very impressionably young and you’ll probably hurt his feelings if you try to ask him questions. If you’re gay (for the record I am) the question “Aren’t most gay people child molesters?” hurts coming out of your own grandma’s mouth but, it’s exactly the kind of question most grandmas have. Pflag could give you a neutral person to get your questions answered. The neutral person is much less likely to have his/her feelings hurt and you can ask whatever the hell you want.

Even if your grandson isn’t gay I would recommend you get a handle on your homophobia. It affects everyone even straight married Christians. Think about it, if gay people try so hard to fit in and be straight that they marry a straight person, the same sex feelings don’t just go away. The homo is miserable married to straighty, and the straighty is miserable married to the homo. Both find excuses to work late, and neither person really gets the sex they want. Then there can be kids, and in-laws and all sorts of other problems that could all be avoided if being gay were no big deal. Another example is a story I read about a straight guy telling gay jokes, part of the joke was overheard without context and the straight guy was gay-bashed to a hospital bed. Homophobia isn't just a gay problem.