Mind Your Own Business 101

Stealing questions from Dear Margo sure is getting lame; someone in internet land needs to send me something more creative.

I'm presently being faced with a situation I feel could jeopardize my relationship with my best friend, "Luella," and my fiancé, "Igor."

Igor and Luella's husband, "Sam," work at the same company together. That is how I was introduced to Igor. My guy has stated on several occasions that Sam is going to leave Luella. He lies to her about when he gets off work and what he is doing, and with whom.

Igor finally had to tell Sam that he could no longer tell Igor what he's up to unless he wanted it relayed to me. My relationship with Luella goes back 14 years. What is the best way (if any) to tell my friend what is going on?

--- HATING THE DRAMA

Dear Hating,

Stay out of it. “Sam” could be just blowing of steam. He isn’t saying any of these things to “Luella”. If you were to relay the things you have heard Sam would just accuse you of lying and destroy your friendship. Concentrate on your own relationship with “Igor”, and stay out of Sam and Luella’s.

One last thing; I googled baby names and came up with 53,000,000 hits. You couldn’t come up with anything better than “Igor” and “Luella”?

Cubby Grows Up

This came from Dear Margo, insecurely (you’d get that if you read her column).

DEAR MARGO: I am having a bit of an issue with something, except I don't know if it's really an issue or I'm just overreacting.

I'm 23 and married to a wonderful man, 27. We currently live in the Midwest. On his side of the family, a few people have nicknames of sorts (i.e., his grandparents are referred to as Moon and Bump, which I guess means Grandma and Grandpa in Swedish).

This is fine, but my issue is with my husband's nickname, which he's had since he was a baby. His real name is Jacob. I call him Jake, but his parents, grandparents, older sister and everyone in the family refer to him as "Cub."

Margo, he is a grown man. I find it ridiculous that his family is still calling him by his childhood name. I have talked to my husband about it in the past, and he's shrugged it off, saying that's just what they've always called him.

My husband is about to get into real estate, and with all that said, do you think I am justified in my position, or is it really just no big deal and I should let it go?

--- A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE?

Dear Rose,

Your right, in that he is a grown man, and a grown man can be called anything he finds acceptable. If they were calling him “stinkface”, or “guy married to a bitch” I could see your point, but that’s not the case.

Now on to your real problem, the reason this nickname business bugs you so much. You are his wife, and you KNOW HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, because the two of you are MARRIED. Your husband was given the nickname BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG. They know a side of him that you don’t, which is what is digging at you.

You missed out on that stage in his life, but his family of course did not. To compensate for that missing out feeling you tell yourself “well, he was a child, that part wasn’t that important.” His family of course disagrees, and tells stories that don’t include you in any way. You then get all passive aggressive and make a big deal about the nickname. In retaliation they are probably calling you a controlling bitch behind your back. By rejecting the nickname you are rejecting them, and pissing on the closeness they feel with their dear Cub. You feel the cold shoulder and get even more antsy… this is what we call a vicious cycle. Meanwhile your husband is getting the shit end of all of it.

Get over it, for the sake of your husband and non-awkward Thanksgiving dinners. It wouldn’t hurt if you sent your mother-in-law a card and thanked her for raising such a wonderful son. If you try to work with his family and not against them I think you’ll find yourself more annoyed at Bump’s flatulence than any nicknames and who knows maybe they’ll make up a cute nickname for you too.

When a Good Product Meets Bad Advertising

This bit of distress came from Ask the Advice Goddess

This is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy (not hideous, but pretty ugly) who’s overweight and really socially awkward. When it comes to talking with women, I just clam up. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. While attractive guys with tiny penises and ugly dudes with suave personalities can land women, I never even get a girl to go home with me, let alone get into a relationship, which is what I want. I know a lot of women don’t care about size, but I also know some do. Am I crazy to think some women would look past my faults if only they knew what I was packing?

--Big Loser

Dear Loser:

I can answer your question, but first I have one of my own. What makes you think you can keep an erection with a woman in the room if you can’t even bring yourself to speak to a woman? Never mind, it doesn’t really matter you’ll need more than a large penis to get a woman in the same room with you naked. If a woman wants a huge cock with no personality she’ll order it offline. Then she doesn’t even have to shave her legs.

Being able to talk and socialize with women is the absolute number one thing required to get women to go home with you. If you looked like Brad Pitt, were hung like Ron Jeremy, but had the social skills of a 14 year old boy, women would consider you unfuckable. If you think about the reverse… well just look at Danny Devito, he’s married, and I have it on good authority that comedian Carrot-top was able to pull off a girl-girl-guy threesome (I heard from one of the girls and why would anyone lie about debauchery with someone so below D-list).

You’ll be more successful if you work on your social skills. Start off small for the next three days take a walk after work or on your lunch break, ask every woman you pass something insignificant like what time it is, or do they know when the bus is scheduled, ect. After those three days ask something more like “I need a woman’s opinion is this tie ok?” Keep going until you manage to have some social interaction and actually ask a few of them out. You’re just going to have to suck it up and force yourself to start talking.

After you go out on a few first dates I think you’ll realize the majority of the population is rude to wait staff, obsessed with their ex, or a scientologist. The dating pool is full of undateable people because they never leave the dating pool for long. Datable people come and go as they enter and exit relationships. It may sound pessimistic but use it to help with your jitters. The majority of women you get to know won’t be dateable, so there’s no big deal talking to them. But you won’t find the ones that are dateable without looking.

Was Lance Bass A Candaulist?

I took this question from Dear Margo who seems to be getting rather randy with the years.

I recently went on a trip with several friends for a "guys only" weekend. Since we were staying overnight, I shared a room with one of these friends, "Bob."

He and I and our wives are very close friends, having vacationed together. I decided to bring some very personal pictures of my wife with me. For me, two days away from my wife is a very long time. The plan was to make sure the pictures were in a safe place at all times.

Unfortunately, I consumed more alcohol than I should have and left the pictures out. Before I woke up and realized what I had done, my friend had already seen the pictures. Initially, I was in a state of shock -- I couldn't believe I had exposed my wife like this.

Eventually, my friend and I got in a pretty detailed discussion of our wives. At some point I realized that I actually liked that he saw my wife like that. Several months have gone by, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure why, but I want my friend to see my wife like that again.

I've come close to asking him if he wants to see more pictures of her, but I stop myself. He seems to be uncomfortable with the situation -- maybe even a little remorseful that he told me so much about his own wife.

My question is this: Is it normal that I want to "show off" my wife? What is it that makes me want to do it?

--- EXHIBITIONIST?

Dear Exhibitionist

The accident part of your story, I don’t buy it and you shouldn’t be selling it. You realized you would like "Bob" to see the pictures when you were packing pictures of your wife to begin with.

You need to do the right thing and tell your wife what happened. Leave out as much as you can besides the picture seeing part. Your buddy saw the pictures, and your buddy knows that you know. If you don’t tell your wife yourself, when she finds out she will feel like the butt of a fraternity joke. Your chance of getting her to pose for anymore pictures is slim, much less getting her permission to show them.

I think your friend is uncomfortable about the situation because he knows your getting off on his involvement in your sex life and it is starting to freak him out, maybe he even thinks it’s a little gay. Don’t ask this guy to look at any more pictures, you’re weirding him out. Take a hint already. What if your friend’s wife found out about your little picture shows? Would she still wanna hang out with you and your wife? Most women have no problem ignoring the fact that their husbands look at porn, but ogling at someone who you go to dinner parties with is another story all together.

In short it’s not strictly “normal” to want to “show off” your wife, your friend obviously isn’t into it and wants out of it. On the bright side as far as kinks go it isn’t the end of the world. If your wife likes you taking pictures of her, chances are she is pretty proud of herself physically, and enjoys the attention of you wanting to capture it on film. You just need to find a safer outlet for your kink than mutual friends.

I suggest the internet. Ask your wife if you can set up a site with her naked pictures. Put a black bar or something on her face, and distinguishing marks so she isn’t recognizable to coworkers, relatives, or the paperboy. Upgrade to a digital camera and there you go. You may even be able to set up a chat so guys can tell you how hot your wife is, or maybe even a live web-cam masturbatory thing (with something covering her face of course) if she is into it.

Now for some definitions, you know just for the curious. You are not an exhibitionist, because they tend to expose themselves more than their significant others. You are what’s known as a candaulist since you are only exposing your wife. The wikipedia definition can be found here. Wikipedia also states that most candaulism is a veiled form of homosexuality. I assume that’s the theory since you are getting off- on your male friend getting off- on pictures of your wife. Basically you are getting your friend off via a middleman, or woman, as the case may be. I don’t think that is necessarily true, I can see a scenario where it’s a- my wife is hotter than your wife alpha male thing, where you get off on being top dog, but I can see the homosexual thing too. At any rate, far be it from me to define your personality through your kink, you (just like everyone else) like what you like, for whatever reason (it’s all a mind fuck when you think about it) so instead of over analyzing, find a way to make it ethical (tell your wife what’s going on) and enjoy.