Modern Day Shakespear

I did get an advice question from someone in internet land. Mental note to self: thank Abby not just for the questions she provides but the editing she provides to them. I tired to make the question easier to read, and without typos, without losing anything from the question. Any constructive criticism is welcome

Hi Sarah,

Please answer these two questions:

1) I love a girl and she loves me as well. I proposed to her and she revealed that she had sex with a guy before me. At the time of proposal I was able to accept her past but now I am unsure at times. She told me that she had sex with him because of comple [a side note from Sarah I asked what “comple” meant and got this exact quote as the reply “Sorry for the miss spell, It actually means he 'FORCED' her and made some drama's (That's a different story he is a cheat) to get her.] She had sex with me because of love. I still love her because she told me the truth while I was proposing. She said they had sex four times and the fourth time he taped it on a web cam without her knowledge. I thought I did not want to marry her. That thought only comes when she is not around and later I feel the same love come back. She is mad about how I handled it, and I do not like that I hurt her.

2) Even after the above situation she told her father about our relationship. We belong to different castes. Their native is Kerala(Malayalam) and I am Tamilian. I even told him that we had sex, but he still wants to take the issue to relatives. If they accept the relationship, he will give us permission to be married. I am the typical man who can never think of my life with another girl. I had sex with her and thought of her as my wife. For the past 30 days she has not been out of the house. They are not giving her phone calls. She is 23 and I am 25. I spoke to her friend who told me she would not be willing to run away with me and wants to wait until her father decides. Her father said he will not share the decision until May. I heard from her friend that her father will not grant marriage. I am ready to take this issue to the media because I love her so much and need her. Please let me know what to do.

Country : INDIA

Location: Chennai

Regards

SUSA

Note to readers: Since I leave the comments section open, I should mention something about the forced sex. I wasn’t there I have no idea what happened. I can see a scenario where the woman lied about being forced and it was more regret after the fact, I can see a scenario where she was legitimately raped and because of social pressure did not want to come forward. Since rape goes beyond my expertise as an internet advice columnist, I will just deal with his questions.

Susa

These issues cross cultures pretty easily. Here we have a guy uncomfortable with his girlfriend’s sexual history but he seems so smitten with forbidden love. I was just reading an advice column yesterday where the writer was concerned because she had a bit of a slut period and slept with 30 guys. Her boyfriend was creeped out and wanted time to think things over. A few Kevin Smith movies (Clerks, Chasing Amy) will tell you being hung up on your girlfriend’s sexual past is a dumb idea. I agree.

The reservations you have tell me that you’re not in love with this woman your infatuated. There is nothing wrong with infatuation. All romantic love starts as infatuation, but not all infatuation turns into love. Malayalies and tamilians hate each other, but since the “love” was all forbidden you were willing to forget all reservations in a spurt of romantic glory running down the leg of reality.

I have one more thing to address before I get to the advice part. There may be some cultural nuance escaping me here but, you told her dad you boned her? She has to deal with her family whether you are there or not, shouldn’t the decision to tell her father she has had sex be up to her and not you? It sounds as though it was a last ditch effort for marriage permission. It was still a fucked up card to play, like you’re your more interested in a pissing contest with her dad than her well being.

OK the advice part. You’re not going to like this. Move on; think of her as relationship practice. It is possible overcome things to be together. Any relationship has things to overcome, but an obstacle of this size is too large to overcome for the sake of infatuation. If I truly thought you were in love I would advise you to wait it out keep going by her parent’s house and making yourself useful. The day they understand that the two of you really love each other then they may concede to marriage. Her family is thinking how much easier life would be on her if she married someone more similar. Since I think you are just infatuated I agree with them.

Straight From Wisteria Lane

This came from Dear Abby. I really need to send her a thank you for all the questions she has raked in for me. Also a reminder to internet people: send me questions!

I think my grandson lives next door to me, but I'm not sure. I can't sleep at night wondering and worrying.

About two years ago, my neighbor kept inviting my then-18-year-old son over to help her do odd jobs while her husband was at work. He seemed happy to help out, and she always gave him some money for the jobs. A few months later, she and her husband announced they were expecting.

I work with this man's ex-wife, and she confided to me once that she never had children because he couldn't give her any. To me, this could mean that the husband knows he's not the father, or maybe that they used my son as an unintentional sperm donor. The little boy looks a lot like my son did at that age. Should I confront him about the affair and possible parenthood? He may be unaware that he fathered the child. -- SUSPICIOUS IN ILLINOIS

Dear Suspicious

You need to confront your son John, then Carlos and Gabrielle, do it before Mrs. Solis comes out of her coma. While your at it tell him that his roommate is gay and dating that Van De Kamp boy who incidentally, ran over Mrs. Solis and put her in a coma to begin with. Was this question for real? Ah well, I like fake questions too.

OK first all the reasons that I truly believe you are wrong. A teenager would make a horrible lover on the side for a married woman. They are emotional and indiscrete, it would be an embarrassment if they were caught (a “we gotta move” embarrassment), they are unpredictable as far as if they would fight for custody of a child (either now or 5 years from now), and they have mothers to worry about too.

Now let’s assume he actually bonked the lady next door. Your son would have to be really stupid not to have his own suspicions. Do you think he could be having an affair, then his mistress turn up pregnant, then deal with a break up, and you as a parent living with him wouldn’t notice anything odd about his behavior? Oh but the ex-wife coworker, here’s an explanation for ya, sperm donor. Lots of couples use them and they wouldn’t exactly be neighborhood knowledge. Another, she lied cause she was trying to throw dirt at her ex. The coworker may have been trying to spread an embarrassing story through the biggest gossip in the neighborhood.

For the sake of juicy gossip; we’ll say that your son had the affair, and you had no clue at the time. I can’t picture a scenario were your son wouldn’t already know he is a biological father. He may even regard the experience as mutually beneficial. The couple gets the baby they so desperately wanted and he got what any heterosexual 18 year-old wants with no liability. Also, the bonus of a possible kidney donor should the need arise. I doubt he was having an affair, but even if he was all signs indicate he knew exactly what was going on and he was of age so that basically makes it none of your business either way.

My advice is for you to set your DVR for drama and leave your neighbors out of it.

Early Mother's Day Survival Guide

This question came from "Dear Abby".

How does one respectfully decline being included in a will which your mother holds over you? I would like not to be included, but I would also like to come across as sincere and respectful without causing more animosity. -- WANTS TO OPT OUT IN COLORADO

You say “I don’t want your stupid moo-moos you old bat”. Oh wait, you want respectful, that’s a bit tougher.

Obviously it isn’t really the stuff in the will that’s bothering you; it’s the “holds over you” part. You could just give the stuff away if the problem was about the stuff. The truth is your mother isn’t holding the will over your head so much as the; I’m-gonna-die-soon-card. Even if you found a respectful way to say I don’t want your crap you would still have the death thing held over your head.

Your mother is fishing for something, even though she is doing it in a manipulative way you may as well try to throw her a bone and see if that shuts her up for awhile. Say something like “mom, it makes me sad to think about your will. It’s a reminder that someday I may have to go on without you.” Look down at the floor at this part for a second or two then look up and say “Right now can we just enjoy each other’s company?” Don’t mention dieing, death, or cancer, that’s just a license for hysterics. Also, emphasize the word enjoy a little but not obviously it should put her in a good I-want-to-entertain-my-adult-kid mood unless you over do it. If you over do it well, then she’ll go off about how you don’t enjoy her company. Practice the little speech and err on the no emphasis side.

Realize that this is a temporary fix. People who fish for complements like this don’t just stop once they get a compliment. The compliment just shuts them up for awhile, often that is reward enough. A “just because” hallmark card may be an easy way to dish out compliments without a lot of creativity or effort. Yeah, you might feel like a momma’s little angel dick-wad but if a drama free Mother's Day is ever going to happen it will take some effort.

Wife/Mistress Etiquette

This question came from Ask the Advice Goddess

Six months ago, my husband of two years had a one-night stand with a coworker. He confessed a month later, saying he took time to get perspective rather than telling me immediately out of guilt. We hadn't been getting along great then (money problems, etc.), but now, after much work, our relationship is strong again, and we're both very happy. I truly believe he'll never cheat again. This weekend, his company is having a (non-mandatory) gathering. I was friendly with this woman before, but this would be my first time seeing her since. My husband and I have a conflicting invitation to the beach, but I'm worried I'll look weak if I'm a no-show at his office. Nobody there knows anything, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone, so it's not about proving anything to the masses. If we do go to his work thing, how should I act?

Wow. You sound so secure and well adjusted. Seriously, I’m impressed.

About the work gathering, if your office is anything like mine people routinely skip out on work activities if they have something better to do. Nobody really takes offense, besides a few playful jabs on Monday morning nobody really cares. I really don’t think the specific coworker you’re thinking of is going to think you are weak. I don’t know her, or much about her, but I would guess her first reaction would be “wow, he has something more fun to do with his wife I was an idiot for sleeping with him”. If she thinks your absence is some sort of weakness on your part it is her own defense mechanisms kicking in. If she is that kind of person she will think poorly of you whether you attend the function or not, so don’t worry about it.

It’s admirable that you’re willing to sacrifice your own comfort for the greater good of being a strong secure woman. I’m not saying that you should avoid gatherings at your husbands work indefinitely, but it is a bit soon. There isn’t much to gain by forcing yourself around this woman and restraining yourself from clawing her eyes out. The woman can’t expect you to like her, and assuming she is a decent human being she probably feels at least a little guilty. An aside to my readers; yes the husband committed a greater wrong than the mistress but I still think the mistress was in the wrong as well.

Give yourself and your husband more time to rebuild trust and get over what happened. When you are ready (you don’t strike me as the type to wait forever) go to a work function with your husband. It will be awkward. Take a tip from AA: “fake it ‘till ya make it”. The woman will probably make some effort avoiding you, act like you don’t notice and try to be as cool and breezy as possible. I am advising against a private confrontation because I have seen too many Jerry Springer episodes to think that will make either one of you look very good. Good luck.

Birds and the Bees

This question was taken from Dear Abby (Ms. Philips if your nasty).

I am the mother of two children ages 7 and 4. In a recent child development class, there was a discussion about sex education for small children. My professor mentioned that if children aren't asking questions about sex, we should initiate talks with our children. She also said that children should have the sex talk by 8 years old. Is this correct?

I can't imagine talking to my children about sex at such an early age. What's the best age to have the sex talk, and is there a limit on how much we should talk about? -- SYLVIA IN SAN DIEGO

Sylvia:

I remember the first time I learned about sex. I was in the second grade which put me between 7 and 8 at the time. I didn’t learn about the actual sex act from my parents but from a schoolmate. Her name was Tammy and her words still hold a certain infamy in my head. “You take the hotdog” she said while holding up her index finger “and add it to the bun” she finished by sticking her finger into the universal ok sign. It seemed so sage at the time. My parent’s explanation: “daddy’s sperm cell and mommy’s egg cell meet” was enough to shut me up when I asked about how my little brother came to be; yet, left me with no details. I don’t remember asking anything else although knowing my mother it was probably pretty apparent she was uncomfortable with the subject.

The thing to ask yourself is what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your kid to come to you and tell you everything? Keep in mind this can be a double edge sword, and I am betting not many parents really want to hear everything. If your kids go to school rather than being home schooled I’m guessing they will learn about sex from one of their school friends by age 8 at the latest. My guess is the age has dropped since the internet was invented. Now a 7 year old is tech savvy enough to google sex. While that doesn’t have the poetry of the hot dog explanation it would include pictures.

When children are that young any real details will just gross them out, and they can’t be expected to understand the emotional side of it. Personally, I would tell the 4 year old “when a man and woman have sex they make a baby”. Sex is a word I am sure they have heard before and your 4 year old may already know this. I would tell the 7 year old “sex is the act of inserting the penis into the vagina”. Around 11 or 12 is when I would start the more complicated talks on birth control. The idea is to talk to the child before they hear it elsewhere so the parent has the first crack at influence. Of course if sex is that uncomfortable for you to talk about with your children, they will figure it out on their own.

The question becomes how much to you want to know? If you want you kid to be able to talk to you about going to second base when they are 14, by all means draw diagrams, invite guest speakers, talk about all there is to talk about by age 10. If you want your kid to never, ever, ever talk about sex even when they are 30 and married don’t talk to them about at all. If you want somewhere in between, aim your conversations likewise.